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Yesterday's posting has disappeared because firstly, I sounded like a spoilt brat. And secondly, my bad mood disappeared after the interview because the boyfriend waited half an hour for me to send me home after feeding me with happiness-inducing hot chocolate.
Anyway, the interview yesterday was really an eye-opener. It was with a local theatre company, quite a well-known one although a rather small outfit as compared to Singapore Repertory Theatre or Theatreworks. Had an interesting one-hour session with two lovely ladies who, as theatre folks go, were friendly, easy-going and outspoken. They quizzed me on many aspects of my life, from my ideal working environment, my opinions on local theatre to my take on balancing working and personal life. They gave me an opportunity to air my frank views and it was really refreshing to be able to engage in a debate with theatre people about theatre after being out of touch for the past four years.
We spoke about the Singaporean identity that is lacking in local productions, how companies can reach out to the three classes of people - the snooty arts lover who sips champagne, the arts lover who loves arts for arts' sake and the people who have never attended any arts productions before, how the arts is burgeoning in Singapore and how smaller groups, like VC, suffer from lack of recognition and funding.
What really struck me was their fervent and passion in what they are doing. From that one hour I spent with them, I could sense their drive and their love for theatre. And it felt good to spend that one hour with such passionate people because their love for their job is infectious. And it made me wonder how many of us out there will ever get to feel that sort of passion in what we do.
That sense of camaraderie was enough to make me take up the job as a publicist but sadly, reality bites and I realise that the pay is not enough to feed my family (and myself). The irregular and long hours would ensure that tuition is not feasible.
And so, my decision is made. Since Singapore's favourite publishing house is reportedly not hiring, I will take up the offer at the old company and try my luck there. I hope it's the right decision.
What's Playing on iTunes
Maybe Katie from "Everything To Everyone" by Barenaked Ladies
Sometimes, I wonder if others get assailed by insecurities the way I do.
And when I say insecurities, I don't mean superficial thoughts like the way I look and all.
They are more of deep, dark demons that exist in the very heart of my core. Thoughts that give life to themselves, abetted by my very flighty imagination. Thoughts that can turn me from a sunshine girl to one who is curled up in bed, tears wetting her cheeks. Thoughts that make me close my eyes, hoping that they would be banished to the deepest of hell when I open them again.
They appear at the oddest times, sometimes brought on by a song or a book. Other times, they appear when I am sitting in the car and looking out of the window. And when these thoughts start creeping into my mind, I wish that I could be like the characters in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (a film which I failed to catch, sadly) and erase the unwanted memories. Delete the memories of my feelings, the overseas trip, the mistakes.
And then, I would look over at him and tell him that I am feeling insecure.
About him, about us, about myself.
He would smile and put his arms around me and suddenly, the thoughts are chased away.
The world is right again.
What's Playing on iTunes
When I Look To The Sky from "My Private Nation" by Train
She asked, over ICQ, "i dun understand... how come u love each other but still broke up?"
I said that it was a long story.
She then said she wanted to hear it.
And so I told her. Not every itsy bitsy detail but a summary of our four-and-a-half years of history. Reasons why we split. Reasons why we decided to give it another shot.
Her response was, "Oh."
And then, "isn't it painful to breakup when u still loved each other?"
I said, yes, it had been painful.
She was so adorable when she said, "u all two so silly la."
And then, "but we prefer seeing u with jimmy.hah."
I'm glad she asked and I wished it had been as simple as she had made it out to be. But it wasn't. No matter what, I hope that she will remain as optimistic and innocent as she is now when it comes to love.
I don't know what this looks like to the people who are looking in on us and our situation, but as Terr says, only people who care about you will want to know the reasons and the circumstances before passing on judgment. And so, I am contented that my friends cared enough to know why I did what I did. Once they heard what I had to say, they told me, "As long as you are happy."
Thank you. You know who you are (yes, Hucks, this includes you).
What's Playing on iTunes
The Reason from "The Reason" by Hoobastank
Sleeping in on a rainy morning. Sitting snugly in bed with a good read. My iMac. Watching Sex and the City. Dancing under the skies with a light drizzle. Singing. Purchasing something I covet at a bargain price. The feeling of silk on my bare skin. Walking barefoot on the beach with the sand tickling my toes. Mango (both the fruit and the brand). Cuddling with the one I love. Losing myself in the movies. Driving down the expressway with the windows wound down and great music blasting. My mum. My sister. My family. Enjoying a good laugh with friends. Sharing a hug. Victoria's Secret lingerie. Giggling and flying through the air on a swing. Being in love. Plugging into my iPod. Exchanging fleeting kisses with my boyfriend. Trying on clothes. Taking photographs that turn out to be beautiful. Singing abysmally in the car. Lying on my bed and doing nothing. Talking on the phone late at night with my loved ones. Walking down the street arm-in-arm with my best friend. The feel of my nephew's little puckers as he kisses me on the cheek. Slurping up delicious chocolate at Max Brenner's. Catching a wonderful piece of theatre. Winning a competition. Swimming in cool waters while the sun is mellow in the sky. Holding hands with my boyfriend. Trading insults with my best friend and knowing that we only do it because we love each other. Reading the newspapers. Singing karaoke. Getting a massage from Yokie. The elation of a completed download on Bittorrent. Crying over the reel life, such as when Anna left the OC. Aragorn and The Lord of the Rings. Making believe that I truly live in the magical world that Harry Potter inhabits. Hearing the Squirt giggling and gurgling over some inane nonsense. Watching planes take off and wondering what the passengers are thinking of. Seeing the sun set in a blaze of glory. Being pleasantly surprised. Pretending that I am Carrie in her fabulous clothes. Tiffany & Co's Lucida diamond ring. Vintage dresses. Travelling. The feeling of my boyfriend's arms around me. Eating bak kut teh at Balestier. Being me. Hawaii. Playing The Sims. Making people laugh. The thrill of looking down from a cable car. The Evenstar. Being loved.
And last but not least, I love him.
What's Playing on iTunes
100 Years from "The Battle for Everything" by Five For Fighting
Life is good.
Not only do I have a job offer, which has good terms and sounds vaguely interesting, I seemed to have aced my writing test. Was asked to go for an interview next week, although I am still not exactly sure which position they are putting me. Will call HR tomorrow and check. Wish me luck!
Will be going to Germany in two weeks' time and I can't wait! Imagine the summer sales that are awaiting me. 70% off! Stuff that I can't get in Singapore!
And should I bum around tomorrow or should I bum around?
Go get myself a tan?
Japanese Story
Just caught the movie today and was absolutely blown away by it. I swear that Toni Collette is one of the most underrated actresses in the scene.
A story about crossed cultures, it tells of how two people from two different worlds met, clashed and connected. Well, there are some things that you cannot go through without igniting chemistry between two people and getting stranded out in the desert is one of them. The whole film is just shot so beautifully that you cannot help but be touched. And if you thought Lost In Translation was good, Japanese Story is definitely much more poignant and a better watch.
Euro 2004 - England vs. Switzerland: 3-0
Hee caught the match at Indochine Wisma after the show. Either I am biased or the English team's passing was really good. The crosses were well-executed and rather fluid and somehow, the players seem to read one another's minds well enough.
Or maybe I am biased.
Considering that I am most familiar with EPL, most of the other teams like Greece and Russia can be made up of Martians with two heads and five (sexy) butts for all I know. So when I watch matches with players that I am not particularly interested in, the element of excitement is simply not there.
But tonight, I yelled when Rooney scored twice. Punched my fists into the air when Owen missed a couple of chances. And got really annoyed with the crappy techno music that was blasting out of Aquadisiac (it was so irritating, I detest techno). Hmm, yah, I'm a tomboy.
Am so glad that the finals are held one day before we fly off.
Life is indeed good.
What's Playing on iTunes
Those Sweet Words from "Feels Like Home" by Norah Jones
And it's called blonking.
That's right.
B.L.O.N.K.I.N.G
Repeat after me.
Blon-king.
I love this word.
Amazing how my education continues even after graduation.
Sometimes in life, we need to take certain actions, even though we know that they might cause hurt to the people involved. But if doing these hurtful things and saying these painful words will right a wrong, then I'd rather be the villain at work then to hide under the pretense that nothing has changed.
I've said what I had been fearing to say.
I have no regrets. Because it was what I had to do, in order to be truthful. I have done what my heart and head told me to. I needed to be honest, not just for me. Because it would have been unfair to lie. I'm sorry about the effects of what my words might have caused but I am not sorry for saying them.
Eventually, we'll see that it was the right thing to do.
What's Playing on iTunes
Why Can't I - Liz Phair from "Music From the O.C. [UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK]" by Various Artists
We learnt in school that the best type of communication to have is a two-way one. This is when the communicator will communicate his message to the audience, who will process the message and then feedback to the communicator.
But in life, the best method might not necessary be the method in use. And that is apparent in chorale now.
Jubilate was a big scare and a wake up call for us. As someone mentioned, he could practically hear the fear in our voices. If we had been confident of the singing, what should we be fearful about? It just exposes the fact that we are not as confident of our songs and our singing as we should be, with merely three weeks to Choir Olympics. It's a disturbing thought - afterall, I am not flying all the way to Germany just to reprise the scenario of 2000, where we came back with two silvers, our heads hanging shamefully and our egos busted. We should be focusing on the thought of getting golds at this point. Do we really need a pep talk from our assistant conductors to push ourselves in that direction? We are all adults here, we should know exactly what our goal is.
Today's session with Jonathan Velasco was interesting also, in that it brought up another problem - rapport. Maybe we haven't been working with the Man for a while but the certainly was no chemistry between the singers and the Man. He complained that we do not follow him but most of the time, it's also because we don't exactly know what it is that he wants out of us. In the three weeks that follow, we need to learn to listen and talk to him as much as he needs to do it with us. And it's no small task, mending rifts and changing attitudes.
Hopefully, with everyone's 100% commitment and hard work, we can get the gold medals that eluded our grasp four years ago. It's been a long wait.
Communication.
That's my major and one would assume that it's what I do best. But it's not. Sometimes, I know what needs to be said but I confuse myself and can't decide what is best for the situation. It makes me feel like a procrastinator.
Why can't I just learn to trust myself?
Why do I worry worries which may or may not come to life?
Perhaps I need to listen to my heart more and think less.
What's Playing on iTunes
If You Leave - Nada Surf from "Music From the O.C. [UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK]" by Various Artists
Day Two of Jubilate has come and gone.
I like busy days.
Even though they tire me out physically, being busy keeps me on my toes and more importantly, it stops me from thinking.
Recently, someone close to me made the decision to break up with her partner. On paper, he was everything a girl would need - independent, caring, financially and emotionally stable, easy going etc. But she gave it up despite all his qualities. Her explanation was that she didn't feel the same connection with him as she did with her ex-boyfriend. If she never does find the same intense chemistry in another man, then so be it.
That was like a flash of lightning striking my brain. All of a sudden, questions are racing across my mind and a cacophony of voices are speaking in my head, all of them saying different things.
Was that the right thing to do?
Was it too idealistic?
Isn't it better to be loved than to love?
Is this idea of "chemistry" a myth or something of a miracle?
Should the one you love most be the one who loves you most?
Is he, ideally, the one you should be with?
Does he even exist?
So many questions.
So little answers.
It must be the late night talking.
What's Playing on iTunes
Paint The Silence - South from "Music From the O.C. Mix 1 [SOUNDTRACK]" by Various Artists
One Jubilate day down!
Today has been an ultra busy day. First, I had to go for my writing test, which turned out to be more like an exam. It was a 2.5 hours paper and I had to write a GP essay, amongst others. Of course, me being me, I mis-read the instructions and did four questions when I only had to do three. Don't have high hopes for the test because I am so out of touch with writing, especially an argumentative essay.
Rushed down to Singapore Conference Hall for the first public concert of Jubilate. It went pretty well although Novo Concertante Manila, who was supposed to be really good, went really out of tune. We were cringing as we waited backstage. Let's hope that chorale won't suffer the same fate on Thursday. Oh and that Terrence Toh has nothing good to say to me. First he criticises the way I stood on stage (fine, I'll change it) and then he complains about the way I said "goodbye". Bugger!!!
Went for supper with Mamayong, Joker and Sandy after that. Nearly burst out of my dress because after we binged on Geylang Beef Horfun, we went for round two - tau hway! But the real fun began after we ate.
Joker kindly offered to send us home and I was the last to be sent since I live just down the road (TPE haha) from Joker. After dropping Sandy off, we somehow found ourselves on the road to Choa Chu Kang and Woodlands. Next, we paid a visit to the satellite dishes and subsequently found our way back at where we started from - Bukit Timah. Finally, we managed to hit the correct road and so, here I am! Home Sweet Home!
Should get to bed. It's another packed day tomorrow. Day Two of Jubilate has begun! *beeep correction made*
What's Playing on iTunes
Kala Kalla from "Five Hebrew Love Songs" by Eric Whitacre
Was doing some research on songs and composers online (for my role as the emcee for Jubilate's three concerts) and found myself at Eric Whitacre's home page.
Brought back a lot of memories of the time he came to Singapore and did a concert with us. Of course, him being so charismatically handsome, most of us (both men and women) had major crushes on him. And his songs. He is so immensely talented, his songs awed all of us.
I should be sleeping (have a writing test tomorrow and need to emcee tomorrow's concert) but I can't help but stream his choral works onto my computer. It reminds me of the concerts. We had so much fun then, especially when doing the choreography for Five Hebrew Love Songs. All that con fuoco "lalala" in Kala Kalla and then the giant snowball for Rakut.
Ahh...good songs. So hard to come by nowadays. And the feeling you get when singing in a choir that sounds good and has so much rapport and chemistry - priceless.
Conducting us at VJC Auditorium
The transit of Venus is happening tomorrow afternoon!
I wonder if I'll actually get to see it.
What's Playing on iTunes
That Girl Has Love from "Rooney" by Rooney
I have a headache.
Been having headaches almost daily.
Wondering if it's due to my contact lens or the emergence of a wisdom tooth, which needs to be removed. It kills my mood sometimes, especially during practices.
Was looking through the blogs of my friends and came away feeling rather touched by this entry. I thought it was rather sweet and brave of him to actually work up the courage to tell the girl how he feels about her, even though she has a boyfriend and he knows that he doesn't stand a chance. The point is, he just wants her to know, and he doesn't expect anything out of it.
That took a lot of guts and I admire his courage. And yes, the sentiment that life is too short for us not to let the ones we love know that we care about them is right. Life is too short.
Actually, that reminded me of two friends of mine who were in similar situations. Despite my gentle persuasion, they refused to let the girls they liked know about how they feel. They feared for the consequences and I guess that's their choice.
Consequence.
That's what I fear too, right now.
What's Playing on iTunes
Everything from "Smallville OST" by Lifehouse
Singapore Idol has hit our shores officially.
Just came back from visiting Sandy, who is joining, in the queue. We were pretty amazed at the number of people who would give up a night of sleeping on their comfortable beds in exchange for the cold, hard concrete ground and a shot at fame. Incredible.
On the drive back, we were thinking of the possible scenarios that could occur when people were told that they passed the auditions. In American Idol, the judges would tell the contestants that they were through to Hollywood and the contestants would burst into overjoyed shrieks and subsequently be flown there. Here, contestants would probably be told, "Congratulations, you are going to Caldecott Hill!" The contestants would then respond, "Yes!!! Can I know what bus goes there from Woodlands?" or "Hurray! So we have to take the train to Novena and then change bus?"
In American Idol, contestants stayed in a hotel and travelled by mini-buses. Here, after each rehearsal, they would probably rush out to take the last bus home to save the cab money. Afterall, they are still struggling stars-to-be.
Instead of Old Navy sponsoring them, it would be Giordano. And the MTVs would be filmed in Botanic Gardens or the Zoo featuring the contestants wearing Giordano or eating McDonalds with Ah Meng (in American Idol, the MTVs were usually product placements for sponsors like Ford).
And in the finals of American Idol, the producers would gather supporters from the finalists home towns in one place (usually a large stadium) and get them to put up a show of solidarity and support. Here, it would be, "And let's go over to XXX's home ground - Ang Mo Kio CC!"
Expecto Patronum!
Well, just don't expect too much from the movie, Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban. It was disastrous. As a diehard fan of the books, I came away feeling disappointed and annoyed with the director.
Not only did he downplay many major events (the visit of Aunt Marge, Gryffindors winning the Quidditch House Cup, the friendship between Crookshanks and Sirius, the souring of friendship between Ron and Hermione, Sirius' attempt to kill Scabbers in the boys' dormitory, the Time Turner etc), he made the storyline so choppy that it was hard to follow. The Patronus Charm looked more like a satellite dish when the stag that Harry produced was supposed to chase away the Dementors. The painful memories of his parents' deaths that were brought up when he encountered the Dementors didn't really come through. And the letdown ending - it was supposed to showcase Snape's fury, Harry's coming to terms with the truth on his parents' deaths and his budding relationship with Sirius. But it felt more deflated, as if the director ran out of time.
Boo.
Thank God for the wonderful cast though. Emma Thompson as Professor Sybil Trelawney, David Thewlis (Loony Loopy Lupin!) and Gary Oldman (Sirius Black) saved the day.
What's Playing on iTunes
In The Waiting Line from "Simple Things" by Zero 7