purple.light

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Rantings from an insomniac 

It's nearly 6am.
Why am I not sleeping yet?
I just finished half my share of the work for a project, which is one in many projects that I have to do in order to graduate.

As Yenew says, I have to blog in order to be socially responsible to my friends. And hence, here I am. At 6 am in the morning.

Haven't really been blogging because, well, some things are just too personal to be shared sometimes.

Anyway, it's been a pretty bad week.
Not bad in the sense that I suffer from depression.
It's more of the things that are happening around me.

Well, for one, my mother is officially jobless now. And that means, I am starting to question my idea of touring Europe after my graduation. It sounds selfish and spoilt and I am going to sound whiny when I say, "But it's something I have always wanted to do." There are bills to pay, debts to clear (amounts that are in the region of $20,000) and mouths to feed. Is going to Europe really that important? Would my hard earned money be better off paying my debts? I know she won't forbid me from going, but in her heart, she would rather I not go.

Another thing is that I am starting to feel distanced from my FYP. Things that were decided and dates that were set - all these were not known to me. I had to find them out by accident. And I hate that.

And I hate the way my emotions take rollercoaster rides at my expense. It's not fun and it's definitely not funny. Little things trigger the greatest onset of emotional floods. I have to learn to control myself more.

This week has also been a week of reflections and regrets. I am starting to worry about getting a job when I graduate and getting a lousy honours when people around me are scoring As and on their way to a good honours. It's too late, of course, but still I wish I could have better focused on my studies, especially during my third year. But I was stupid, I let personal problems get the better of me and now I am paying the price for that. I also wish that I had been more open to people during my four years at university. I foolishly limited my circles, thinking that I had my loved one and my friends and they were all that mattered. Well, the loved one has turned out to be the wrong one and I am stuck here with a social circle so small that it could be formed with my thumb and index finger.

And now, I have gone and done something so silly and ridiculous that I feel ashamed of myself. I can't believe the lengths at which I would go just to do it, something which doesn't matter in the end. Shame on me.

As Jewel says, "it's not all bad but it's not all clean". Sounds like life.

yAnn at 2/01/2004 05:47:00 AM