purple.light

Sunday, January 11, 2004

The Day I was Born 

I remember this really depressing line from the (excellent) movie, Igby Goes Down. When Susan Sarandon, mother to aforementioned Igby was talking to his elder brother about the troubled Igby, she said, "His creation was an act of animosity, why shouldn't his life be that way?" Perhaps it's pessimistic but sometimes, I feel as if my life is like that. Not that my creation was an act of animosity (God forbid) but that somehow, my life will never be the contented, snug and warm kind.

It doesn't mean that I am depressed or unhappy. I am neither. But it's just as a dear friend told me, I never seem to be satisfied. In a way, it's true to the way I see life. I am always questioning why, wondering if that's all there is to life. I have an unquenchable thirst to know if I can break out of the mundane box that I am trapped in and yet nothing much in life can drive me on to greater things.

A certain cliche goes that the only constant thing in life is change and yes, indeed, I have changed. But this new me fits like an uncomfortable skin, I do not really like it but I have more or less accepted that I have changed. I can live with it.

One of my friends is organising a birthday dinner for me later. While it would have thrilled me to see that they care enough to want to celebrate it with me, I no longer feel that way. I am touched that she is sweet enough to want me to have a happy birthday as a single but I was really not expecting anyone to bother (and I think no one else would have but her). The excitement and expectation has died a natural death in my heart, along with many other things.

I used to love birthdays because to me, they mark the day that I was born. It's a very me thing, admittedly and I feel that it's something special. I used to cry alone because my mother and sister would never remember that it's my birthday or even if they did, they would say that it's no big deal. It always hurt when people don't feel the same way towards birthdays as I did and hence, treated my birthday as they would theirs (meaning, do nothing).

Now that I am older and more weary, I have learnt that the lesser you care or bother, the better you are. While I might have wanted someone's birthday to be special, that person might not reciprocate in kind and I end up disappointed. So, why bother? Keeping yourself happy is better than trying to make others who don't really care about you happy.

As Radiohead sings in Let Down,

Transport, motorways and tramlines
Starting and then stopping
Taking off and landing
The emptiest of feelings
Disappointed people clinging on to bottles
And when it comes it's so so disappointing

Let down and hanging around
Crushed like a bug in the ground
Let down and hanging around

yAnn at 1/11/2004 01:14:00 AM