purple.light

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

A perverse me 

Have there been times in your life when you know that doing something is wrong but you still went ahead and still did it anyway?

Perhaps you’re doing it despite the fact that it is wrong. Or perhaps, you are doing it because it is wrong.

Sometimes, I think that I belong to the dogged group that does something simply because it is wrong.

For example, listening to manically depressing songs even though I am drowned in my own pool of misery.

Such as now.

One song that is almost a permanent fixture in the playlist of my iPod is Silent All These Years. I have two versions of it. The first version belongs to original singer Tori Amos and features Canadian poet, Leonard Cohen on vocals. The second is homegrown singing sensation Stefanie Sun’s.

Now, I am a late adopter of this song. I only started listening to it years after its release. But its lyrics grew on me. It seems to be about me, for me. Loneliness, inability to fit in, a voice trying desperately to be heard, to be understood.

Been feeling a little blue lately. Thinking about life and how sometimes, life is just not fair. People who already have everything, get everything. People who have nothing end up getting nothing. It’s almost as if God is telling me, You have nothing to lose and definitely nothing to win.

I once thought I had a winner, that I had finally struck lucky. That I had gotten something right for once.

It turned out to be wrong. And now I am at the crossroads, wondering where to go now and how I am going to survive in this cold, cold world.

In the meantime, I’m just one more casualty of this life. After all, we’re probably too easy.

yAnn at 9/30/2003 04:17:00 PM