the organised chaos

Farewell to the organised chaos

2004-07-02T15:58:00.000+08:00

From today on, purplelight will cease to exist.
After 10 months of rantings, this place will migrate to a new location, at intransit dot cynics dot info.
So point your mouse here from now on.
I'll see you there! =)

Thanks for the view

2004-07-01T02:15:00.000+08:00

Wyoming is indeed beautiful.
Even if I never ever set foot there, at least I had the chance to see it through your eyes.
If you do forget the lyrics of Home on the Range again, just drop me a note.
Here's wishing that you are enjoying every wonderful moment of the beauty around you.

Thanks for giving me such an insight into your world and more.
It was unforgettable.

What's Playing on iTunes
100 Years from "The Battle for Everything" by Five For Fighting

The Sad State of Reality

2004-06-30T14:44:00.000+08:00

Yesterday's posting has disappeared because firstly, I sounded like a spoilt brat. And secondly, my bad mood disappeared after the interview because the boyfriend waited half an hour for me to send me home after feeding me with happiness-inducing hot chocolate.

Anyway, the interview yesterday was really an eye-opener. It was with a local theatre company, quite a well-known one although a rather small outfit as compared to Singapore Repertory Theatre or Theatreworks. Had an interesting one-hour session with two lovely ladies who, as theatre folks go, were friendly, easy-going and outspoken. They quizzed me on many aspects of my life, from my ideal working environment, my opinions on local theatre to my take on balancing working and personal life. They gave me an opportunity to air my frank views and it was really refreshing to be able to engage in a debate with theatre people about theatre after being out of touch for the past four years.

We spoke about the Singaporean identity that is lacking in local productions, how companies can reach out to the three classes of people - the snooty arts lover who sips champagne, the arts lover who loves arts for arts' sake and the people who have never attended any arts productions before, how the arts is burgeoning in Singapore and how smaller groups, like VC, suffer from lack of recognition and funding.

What really struck me was their fervent and passion in what they are doing. From that one hour I spent with them, I could sense their drive and their love for theatre. And it felt good to spend that one hour with such passionate people because their love for their job is infectious. And it made me wonder how many of us out there will ever get to feel that sort of passion in what we do.

That sense of camaraderie was enough to make me take up the job as a publicist but sadly, reality bites and I realise that the pay is not enough to feed my family (and myself). The irregular and long hours would ensure that tuition is not feasible.

And so, my decision is made. Since Singapore's favourite publishing house is reportedly not hiring, I will take up the offer at the old company and try my luck there. I hope it's the right decision.

What's Playing on iTunes
Maybe Katie from "Everything To Everyone" by Barenaked Ladies

Insecurities

2004-06-28T16:41:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder if others get assailed by insecurities the way I do.

And when I say insecurities, I don't mean superficial thoughts like the way I look and all.
They are more of deep, dark demons that exist in the very heart of my core. Thoughts that give life to themselves, abetted by my very flighty imagination. Thoughts that can turn me from a sunshine girl to one who is curled up in bed, tears wetting her cheeks. Thoughts that make me close my eyes, hoping that they would be banished to the deepest of hell when I open them again.

They appear at the oddest times, sometimes brought on by a song or a book. Other times, they appear when I am sitting in the car and looking out of the window. And when these thoughts start creeping into my mind, I wish that I could be like the characters in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (a film which I failed to catch, sadly) and erase the unwanted memories. Delete the memories of my feelings, the overseas trip, the mistakes.

And then, I would look over at him and tell him that I am feeling insecure.
About him, about us, about myself.
He would smile and put his arms around me and suddenly, the thoughts are chased away.

The world is right again.

What's Playing on iTunes
When I Look To The Sky from "My Private Nation" by Train

A Conversation

2004-06-24T16:46:00.000+08:00

She asked, over ICQ, "i dun understand... how come u love each other but still broke up?"

I said that it was a long story.

She then said she wanted to hear it.

And so I told her. Not every itsy bitsy detail but a summary of our four-and-a-half years of history. Reasons why we split. Reasons why we decided to give it another shot.

Her response was, "Oh."

And then, "isn't it painful to breakup when u still loved each other?"

I said, yes, it had been painful.

She was so adorable when she said, "u all two so silly la."

And then, "but we prefer seeing u with jimmy.hah."

I'm glad she asked and I wished it had been as simple as she had made it out to be. But it wasn't. No matter what, I hope that she will remain as optimistic and innocent as she is now when it comes to love.

I don't know what this looks like to the people who are looking in on us and our situation, but as Terr says, only people who care about you will want to know the reasons and the circumstances before passing on judgment. And so, I am contented that my friends cared enough to know why I did what I did. Once they heard what I had to say, they told me, "As long as you are happy."

Thank you. You know who you are (yes, Hucks, this includes you).

What's Playing on iTunes
The Reason from "The Reason" by Hoobastank

I love

2004-06-22T19:48:00.000+08:00

Sleeping in on a rainy morning. Sitting snugly in bed with a good read. My iMac. Watching Sex and the City. Dancing under the skies with a light drizzle. Singing. Purchasing something I covet at a bargain price. The feeling of silk on my bare skin. Walking barefoot on the beach with the sand tickling my toes. Mango (both the fruit and the brand). Cuddling with the one I love. Losing myself in the movies. Driving down the expressway with the windows wound down and great music blasting. My mum. My sister. My family. Enjoying a good laugh with friends. Sharing a hug. Victoria's Secret lingerie. Giggling and flying through the air on a swing. Being in love. Plugging into my iPod. Exchanging fleeting kisses with my boyfriend. Trying on clothes. Taking photographs that turn out to be beautiful. Singing abysmally in the car. Lying on my bed and doing nothing. Talking on the phone late at night with my loved ones. Walking down the street arm-in-arm with my best friend. The feel of my nephew's little puckers as he kisses me on the cheek. Slurping up delicious chocolate at Max Brenner's. Catching a wonderful piece of theatre. Winning a competition. Swimming in cool waters while the sun is mellow in the sky. Holding hands with my boyfriend. Trading insults with my best friend and knowing that we only do it because we love each other. Reading the newspapers. Singing karaoke. Getting a massage from Yokie. The elation of a completed download on Bittorrent. Crying over the reel life, such as when Anna left the OC. Aragorn and The Lord of the Rings. Making believe that I truly live in the magical world that Harry Potter inhabits. Hearing the Squirt giggling and gurgling over some inane nonsense. Watching planes take off and wondering what the passengers are thinking of. Seeing the sun set in a blaze of glory. Being pleasantly surprised. Pretending that I am Carrie in her fabulous clothes. Tiffany & Co's Lucida diamond ring. Vintage dresses. Travelling. The feeling of my boyfriend's arms around me. Eating bak kut teh at Balestier. Being me. Hawaii. Playing The Sims. Making people laugh. The thrill of looking down from a cable car. The Evenstar. Being loved.

And last but not least, I love him.

What's Playing on iTunes
100 Years from "The Battle for Everything" by Five For Fighting

Summertime, and the living is easy

2004-06-18T03:32:00.000+08:00

Life is good.

Not only do I have a job offer, which has good terms and sounds vaguely interesting, I seemed to have aced my writing test. Was asked to go for an interview next week, although I am still not exactly sure which position they are putting me. Will call HR tomorrow and check. Wish me luck!

Will be going to Germany in two weeks' time and I can't wait! Imagine the summer sales that are awaiting me. 70% off! Stuff that I can't get in Singapore!

And should I bum around tomorrow or should I bum around?
Go get myself a tan?

Japanese Story
Just caught the movie today and was absolutely blown away by it. I swear that Toni Collette is one of the most underrated actresses in the scene.

A story about crossed cultures, it tells of how two people from two different worlds met, clashed and connected. Well, there are some things that you cannot go through without igniting chemistry between two people and getting stranded out in the desert is one of them. The whole film is just shot so beautifully that you cannot help but be touched. And if you thought Lost In Translation was good, Japanese Story is definitely much more poignant and a better watch.

Euro 2004 - England vs. Switzerland: 3-0
Hee caught the match at Indochine Wisma after the show. Either I am biased or the English team's passing was really good. The crosses were well-executed and rather fluid and somehow, the players seem to read one another's minds well enough.

Or maybe I am biased.

Considering that I am most familiar with EPL, most of the other teams like Greece and Russia can be made up of Martians with two heads and five (sexy) butts for all I know. So when I watch matches with players that I am not particularly interested in, the element of excitement is simply not there.

But tonight, I yelled when Rooney scored twice. Punched my fists into the air when Owen missed a couple of chances. And got really annoyed with the crappy techno music that was blasting out of Aquadisiac (it was so irritating, I detest techno). Hmm, yah, I'm a tomboy.

Am so glad that the finals are held one day before we fly off.

Life is indeed good.

What's Playing on iTunes
Those Sweet Words from "Feels Like Home" by Norah Jones

I learnt a new word today

2004-06-15T17:28:00.000+08:00

And it's called blonking.
That's right.
B.L.O.N.K.I.N.G
Repeat after me.
Blon-king.

I love this word.
Amazing how my education continues even after graduation.

Procrastinator no more

2004-06-14T22:37:00.000+08:00

Sometimes in life, we need to take certain actions, even though we know that they might cause hurt to the people involved. But if doing these hurtful things and saying these painful words will right a wrong, then I'd rather be the villain at work then to hide under the pretense that nothing has changed.

I've said what I had been fearing to say.

I have no regrets. Because it was what I had to do, in order to be truthful. I have done what my heart and head told me to. I needed to be honest, not just for me. Because it would have been unfair to lie. I'm sorry about the effects of what my words might have caused but I am not sorry for saying them.

Eventually, we'll see that it was the right thing to do.

What's Playing on iTunes
Why Can't I - Liz Phair from "Music From the O.C. [UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK]" by Various Artists

The trouble with communication

2004-06-13T00:55:00.000+08:00

We learnt in school that the best type of communication to have is a two-way one. This is when the communicator will communicate his message to the audience, who will process the message and then feedback to the communicator.

But in life, the best method might not necessary be the method in use. And that is apparent in chorale now.

Jubilate was a big scare and a wake up call for us. As someone mentioned, he could practically hear the fear in our voices. If we had been confident of the singing, what should we be fearful about? It just exposes the fact that we are not as confident of our songs and our singing as we should be, with merely three weeks to Choir Olympics. It's a disturbing thought - afterall, I am not flying all the way to Germany just to reprise the scenario of 2000, where we came back with two silvers, our heads hanging shamefully and our egos busted. We should be focusing on the thought of getting golds at this point. Do we really need a pep talk from our assistant conductors to push ourselves in that direction? We are all adults here, we should know exactly what our goal is.

Today's session with Jonathan Velasco was interesting also, in that it brought up another problem - rapport. Maybe we haven't been working with the Man for a while but the certainly was no chemistry between the singers and the Man. He complained that we do not follow him but most of the time, it's also because we don't exactly know what it is that he wants out of us. In the three weeks that follow, we need to learn to listen and talk to him as much as he needs to do it with us. And it's no small task, mending rifts and changing attitudes.

Hopefully, with everyone's 100% commitment and hard work, we can get the gold medals that eluded our grasp four years ago. It's been a long wait.

Communication.
That's my major and one would assume that it's what I do best. But it's not. Sometimes, I know what needs to be said but I confuse myself and can't decide what is best for the situation. It makes me feel like a procrastinator.
Why can't I just learn to trust myself?
Why do I worry worries which may or may not come to life?
Perhaps I need to listen to my heart more and think less.

What's Playing on iTunes
If You Leave - Nada Surf from "Music From the O.C. [UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK]" by Various Artists

Words, words, words

2004-06-10T04:09:00.000+08:00

Day Two of Jubilate has come and gone.

I like busy days.
Even though they tire me out physically, being busy keeps me on my toes and more importantly, it stops me from thinking.

Recently, someone close to me made the decision to break up with her partner. On paper, he was everything a girl would need - independent, caring, financially and emotionally stable, easy going etc. But she gave it up despite all his qualities. Her explanation was that she didn't feel the same connection with him as she did with her ex-boyfriend. If she never does find the same intense chemistry in another man, then so be it.

That was like a flash of lightning striking my brain. All of a sudden, questions are racing across my mind and a cacophony of voices are speaking in my head, all of them saying different things.

Was that the right thing to do?
Was it too idealistic?
Isn't it better to be loved than to love?
Is this idea of "chemistry" a myth or something of a miracle?
Should the one you love most be the one who loves you most?
Is he, ideally, the one you should be with?
Does he even exist?

So many questions.
So little answers.

It must be the late night talking.

What's Playing on iTunes
Paint The Silence - South from "Music From the O.C. Mix 1 [SOUNDTRACK]" by Various Artists

One down, two to go

2004-06-09T02:21:00.000+08:00

One Jubilate day down!

Today has been an ultra busy day. First, I had to go for my writing test, which turned out to be more like an exam. It was a 2.5 hours paper and I had to write a GP essay, amongst others. Of course, me being me, I mis-read the instructions and did four questions when I only had to do three. Don't have high hopes for the test because I am so out of touch with writing, especially an argumentative essay.

Rushed down to Singapore Conference Hall for the first public concert of Jubilate. It went pretty well although Novo Concertante Manila, who was supposed to be really good, went really out of tune. We were cringing as we waited backstage. Let's hope that chorale won't suffer the same fate on Thursday. Oh and that Terrence Toh has nothing good to say to me. First he criticises the way I stood on stage (fine, I'll change it) and then he complains about the way I said "goodbye". Bugger!!!

Went for supper with Mamayong, Joker and Sandy after that. Nearly burst out of my dress because after we binged on Geylang Beef Horfun, we went for round two - tau hway! But the real fun began after we ate.

Joker kindly offered to send us home and I was the last to be sent since I live just down the road (TPE haha) from Joker. After dropping Sandy off, we somehow found ourselves on the road to Choa Chu Kang and Woodlands. Next, we paid a visit to the satellite dishes and subsequently found our way back at where we started from - Bukit Timah. Finally, we managed to hit the correct road and so, here I am! Home Sweet Home!

Should get to bed. It's another packed day tomorrow. Day Two of Jubilate has begun! *beeep correction made*

What's Playing on iTunes
Kala Kalla from "Five Hebrew Love Songs" by Eric Whitacre

Eyes of dream water

2004-06-08T02:35:00.000+08:00

Was doing some research on songs and composers online (for my role as the emcee for Jubilate's three concerts) and found myself at Eric Whitacre's home page.

Brought back a lot of memories of the time he came to Singapore and did a concert with us. Of course, him being so charismatically handsome, most of us (both men and women) had major crushes on him. And his songs. He is so immensely talented, his songs awed all of us.

I should be sleeping (have a writing test tomorrow and need to emcee tomorrow's concert) but I can't help but stream his choral works onto my computer. It reminds me of the concerts. We had so much fun then, especially when doing the choreography for Five Hebrew Love Songs. All that con fuoco "lalala" in Kala Kalla and then the giant snowball for Rakut.

Ahh...good songs. So hard to come by nowadays. And the feeling you get when singing in a choir that sounds good and has so much rapport and chemistry - priceless.

Conducting us at VJC Auditorium

Venus approaching

2004-06-07T14:31:00.000+08:00

The transit of Venus is happening tomorrow afternoon!
I wonder if I'll actually get to see it.

What's Playing on iTunes
That Girl Has Love from "Rooney" by Rooney

Whirlpool musings

2004-06-07T00:29:00.000+08:00

I have a headache.
Been having headaches almost daily.
Wondering if it's due to my contact lens or the emergence of a wisdom tooth, which needs to be removed. It kills my mood sometimes, especially during practices.

Was looking through the blogs of my friends and came away feeling rather touched by this entry. I thought it was rather sweet and brave of him to actually work up the courage to tell the girl how he feels about her, even though she has a boyfriend and he knows that he doesn't stand a chance. The point is, he just wants her to know, and he doesn't expect anything out of it.

That took a lot of guts and I admire his courage. And yes, the sentiment that life is too short for us not to let the ones we love know that we care about them is right. Life is too short.

Actually, that reminded me of two friends of mine who were in similar situations. Despite my gentle persuasion, they refused to let the girls they liked know about how they feel. They feared for the consequences and I guess that's their choice.

Consequence.
That's what I fear too, right now.

What's Playing on iTunes
Everything from "Smallville OST" by Lifehouse

Everyone take cover!

2004-06-05T02:31:00.000+08:00

Singapore Idol has hit our shores officially.

Just came back from visiting Sandy, who is joining, in the queue. We were pretty amazed at the number of people who would give up a night of sleeping on their comfortable beds in exchange for the cold, hard concrete ground and a shot at fame. Incredible.

On the drive back, we were thinking of the possible scenarios that could occur when people were told that they passed the auditions. In American Idol, the judges would tell the contestants that they were through to Hollywood and the contestants would burst into overjoyed shrieks and subsequently be flown there. Here, contestants would probably be told, "Congratulations, you are going to Caldecott Hill!" The contestants would then respond, "Yes!!! Can I know what bus goes there from Woodlands?" or "Hurray! So we have to take the train to Novena and then change bus?"

In American Idol, contestants stayed in a hotel and travelled by mini-buses. Here, after each rehearsal, they would probably rush out to take the last bus home to save the cab money. Afterall, they are still struggling stars-to-be.

Instead of Old Navy sponsoring them, it would be Giordano. And the MTVs would be filmed in Botanic Gardens or the Zoo featuring the contestants wearing Giordano or eating McDonalds with Ah Meng (in American Idol, the MTVs were usually product placements for sponsors like Ford).

And in the finals of American Idol, the producers would gather supporters from the finalists home towns in one place (usually a large stadium) and get them to put up a show of solidarity and support. Here, it would be, "And let's go over to XXX's home ground - Ang Mo Kio CC!"

Expecto Patronum!

Well, just don't expect too much from the movie, Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban. It was disastrous. As a diehard fan of the books, I came away feeling disappointed and annoyed with the director.

Not only did he downplay many major events (the visit of Aunt Marge, Gryffindors winning the Quidditch House Cup, the friendship between Crookshanks and Sirius, the souring of friendship between Ron and Hermione, Sirius' attempt to kill Scabbers in the boys' dormitory, the Time Turner etc), he made the storyline so choppy that it was hard to follow. The Patronus Charm looked more like a satellite dish when the stag that Harry produced was supposed to chase away the Dementors. The painful memories of his parents' deaths that were brought up when he encountered the Dementors didn't really come through. And the letdown ending - it was supposed to showcase Snape's fury, Harry's coming to terms with the truth on his parents' deaths and his budding relationship with Sirius. But it felt more deflated, as if the director ran out of time.

Boo.

Thank God for the wonderful cast though. Emma Thompson as Professor Sybil Trelawney, David Thewlis (Loony Loopy Lupin!) and Gary Oldman (Sirius Black) saved the day.

What's Playing on iTunes
In The Waiting Line from "Simple Things" by Zero 7

Sleepyhead Sneezes!

2004-05-31T22:48:00.000+08:00

I have discovered a good remedy for colds.
Tea and chocolate biscuits. Plus a trashy novel and some lounging in the bed.
Not any particular chocolate biscuits, mind you, but one called Apollo Chocolate Wafer Cream.
It's really a retro relic from days of my childhood which I recently re-discovered at my friendly neighbourhood supermarket. It comes wrapped in this obnoxious red tinfoil and it's yummy!

Haven't spoken to The Significant Other since Saturday (he's been relegated to being a nameless entity because he had the audacity to comment that I look bad in photos). Sometimes, I wonder what would happen when he comes back in October. And on days like today, when I'm sick or annoyed, I would question, in a moment of self-pity and indulgence, his absence. But thankfully, moments like these are rare. Most days, my life is almost as it was before he barged into it unceremoniously. Except that I call him names in my head when he doesn't call.

Anyway, Ashley is back and she has bought me my favourite snack in the world - Pocky Almond Crush! Haven't had that since we transited in Narita Airport on the way home from Hawaii in 2002. Thank you dear and welcome home!

Eagerly awaiting.....

What's Playing on iTunes
You And I Both - Jason Mraz from "Music From the O.C. [UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK]" by Various Artists

Three Cheers for Fantastic Fantasia!

2004-05-28T01:36:00.000+08:00

America has voted and versatile Fantasia Barrino is the new American Idol.

After the finale the day before, I suppose the conclusion was long foregone. Fantasia did prove herself to be the more spellbinding singer as compared to Diana DeGarmo. Diana, as competent a singer as she is, is of no match to Fantasia. Fantasia's rendition of "Summertime" and the gospel-ly "I Believe" just hypnotized and gave me goosebumps all over, while Diana's "Don't Cry Out Loud" went horrendously off-key.

Of course, there was talk of a conspiracy. Some members of AI3 forums alleged that in order to dump the title into Fantasia's lap, the organisers deliberately changed the key of Diana's "Don't Cry Out Loud" at the last minute and hence, her cringeworthy performance. Well, all I can say is, what's an American Idol final without a conspiracy theory?

Anyway, I think that Fantasia fully deserves the win. Of all the contestants, she is the most interesting and unpredictable singer. I like that she dares to take risks in her choice of songs and the fact that she emotes well in her singing. La Toya London is probably technically superior to her as a singer but La Toya is, as Simon Cowell (the most astute judge, and my favourite) says in an interview, cold. Sorry, but she doesn't seem to reach out to me as Fantasia does.

And as she says, she's worked hard to get to where she is today. Thank goodness the voters proved their credibility by accepting the fact that Fantasia is a young, black, single parent who also happens to be a fabulous singer, and giving her their votes. After the fiasco of Jennifer Hudson and La Toya being voted out in favour of perpetually-flat John Stevens and sweet-but-bland Jasmine Trias, it would have been scandalous if Fantasia did not win. And let's not go into the controversial debate of Jasmine Trias. I am NOT jealous of her beautiful, exotic Asian looks nor the fact that she is a great singer. She has a really nice voice but just not good enough to even be in the top 3. Let's just leave it as that.

A great read of the finale is this article from NYT (registration needed). Yay to Fantasia!

What's Playing on iTunes
Beautiful Disaster from "Thankful" by Kelly Clarkson

Before Sunset

2004-05-27T02:30:00.000+08:00

The concept of fate has always intrigued me.

Of course, the modern man would argue that fate is not something that is pre-ordained but in our hands. We control the paths that we take, we decide who and what we want to be. On the other hand, there are people in the other camp who say that everything we do, every road we trudge has already been etched in our books of destiny long before we were born.

Fate, to me, is such a simple word and yet such a complex concept to grasp. I'm a product of technology and modern science, should I believe in something so abstract? But I'm a student of the Arts, a romantic, an imaginative idealist - I like to believe that as much as we make our own decisions in life, Fate plays a part too.

Let's take love. Can we decide who we love and leave? Why is it that of the hundreds, thousands of people we meet in the course of our lives, we only spark with a certain few individuals and not the rest?

While looking through movie trailers on iTunes, one particular film stood out.

It's called Before Sunset, starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. The movie is based on a very interesting premise - What if you had a second chance with the one who got away?

This is actually a sequel to 1995's Before Sunrise. In it, Hawke's Jesse and Celine, played by Delpy met on the Eurail train and spent 14 beautiful hours together in Vienna. It ended with them swearing to meet again six months later. Now, nine years have passed since that last meeting. They see each other again at a bookstore in Paris, where he's doing a book reading of the novel he wrote on their night together, and where she lives. They spend the limited time they have before he catches his flight back to New York. Although both are in committed relationships now, they discover that the magical and powerful feelings they had shared nine years ago were still present.

The heavy question of "what if?" hangs over the entire film, similar to 1998's Sliding Doors, starring Gwyneth Paltrow. The idea that it could have ended differently is a very poignant thought. But you are grounded by the fact that this is how the ending goes in reality, there is no fairy tale. Or is there?

I never did watch Before Sunrise. At that age, romantic love was not something that concerned me. But if I have the chance to do so now, I would. And so far, reviews for Before Sunset have been enthusiastic. I'll definitely be catching it when it arrives. In the meantime, here's the trailer.

What's Playing on iTunes
100 Years from "The Battle for Everything" by Five For Fighting

Blatantly Biased Bureaucracy

2004-05-25T14:12:00.000+08:00

I want to kill somebody.
Preferably the person who supervised my group's Final Year Project (FYP).
If I could, I would leave him to die a lingering and most painful death.
Yes, that is how enraged I feel towards him.

I just got my results today and while they're not fantastic, I am not exactly perturbed since I didn't even finish any of my papers. But what galled me was the discrepancy in the group's grades for FYP. Two of us had lovely Bs and the other two (myself included) had annoying Cs. It was a bit of a shock and I thought I would drop the conscientious supervisor an email for an explanation. Here's his (extremely) brief reply:
The examiners board considered the overall average marks of students.
Your fyp was discussed extensively. The consensus was that it was between high C and low B.

Right.
That was typical of him, not answering what needs to be answered.
So I called.
And the explanation is so ridiculous, nobody would be able to believe it.

According to our dear sup, our project was dithering between a high C and a low B. So to resolve the problem, the Board decided to look beyond our FYP and consider our overall academic record. Since the two lovely ladies with the lovely B did really well in their third and fourth years, they were granted the B grade. On the other hand, the two of us who didn't get such good grades were inconspicuously handed the C grade.

Which is patently UNFAIR.
This is a group project and the project should be looked upon on its own merit and not judged according to other modules. As a group, we should all be getting the same grade, be it B or C. Besides, the implication is that since we don't do well in exams, we probably deserve, and should accept, the C, while the other two had better grades and are B-grade material. That's biased and f***ing nonsense. Anyway, what is the Board there for, if not to resolve grades in a justified manner? This is definitely not justifiable.

Perhaps the exceedingly well-placed supervisor got it wrong. Or maybe his explanation was warped because he have speech communication problems (in which case he should seek the expert help of Dr Joseph Sommerville).

I detest NTU.

What's Playing on iTunes
Are You Happy Now from "Hotel Paper" by Michelle Branch

No Monday Blues yet....

2004-05-24T01:49:00.000+08:00

The weekend just ended.
Have to say that it was not one of the best that I ever had to live through.
A dash of insensitivity, a touch of frustration at a 14-hour time difference, generous shavings of runaway thoughts, some missed calls and voila! A recipe for an unhappy weekend.
But thankfully, all that was redeemed in the 45 minutes that linked Sunday to Monday.
A temporary normality that was installed for one week was restored, albeit temporarily.

Some introspection: there are times when I am genuinely jolly during practices and those are the times when I crack silly jokes and generally enhance the "chorale bimbo" tag that was given unceremoniously to me. And there, there are times when I get loud and irrepressible to mask the unhappiness inside. Nobody wants to see a sulky face, nobody likes to hear about sob stories and so, the clown has to surface to throw a cloak over the simmering sadness that's threatening to spill out.

Rediscovered an old song that I used to love - Aimee Mann's That's Just What You Are. It's a catchy, infectious tune about how a girlfriend decides to leave her boyfriend because they are always quarreling about the same old thing. He gets defensive when she tries to talk to him about changing to be a nicer guy and attempts to get her to change instead. Somehow, it reminds me vaguely of the ex. I suppose it's the same for all relationships, that if you cannot accept the person or if he cannot change the very things that irk the hell out of you, then it's time to hit the road because it's a sign that you are not compatible.

Acting steady always ready to defend your fears
What's the matter with the truth, did I offend your ears
By suggesting that a change might be a thing to try
Like it would kill you just to try and be a nicer guy

Is it right, then, to expect your partner to change for the better for you? Would that be selfish? Or justifiable on the grounds that this is a relationship and we should both give and take? How do you actually gauge the balance?

What's Playing on iTunes
That's Just What You Are from "I'm With Stupid" by Aimee Mann

Life ain't a box of chocolates

2004-05-20T23:10:00.000+08:00

Forrest Gump got that wrong.
Born in the wrong end of the century, he never did try roller-blading before.
Because actually, life is like blading.

Just like when you were a kid, you needed someone's strong guiding hand to teach you what's right and what's wrong. I had my most esteemed Sifus - UU, Topo and Yenew - to do that with me today (Thank you!). They taught me how to put on the gear, stand up, move and stop. In short, they taught me what I needed to know in order to move on wheels. They towed me over the humps initially, held me to prevent me from falling and never lingered far from me, watching over me. So touched. *sniffs*

And then, there is the road. Sometimes, the road is smooth and you would find that blading along that stretch of road is easier. There are less twigs in the way, less humps and less curves. But there are also roads that twist and turn, roads that are littered with petals and limbs and roads that have treacherous humps. Then, the roads are never straight. Just as there are up slopes (where I keep rolling backwards), there are also down slopes (where I keep rolling seemingly unendingly forward). Same as life. Life is never always smooth. And in life, there are similar ups, where we hurtle forward with gusto, and downs, where every step seems to weigh us down.

There are times when we get tired. And so, instead of pushing forward, we sit down and take a breather, enjoying the sea breeze, the view and the company. Just like in life, we need to take a step back sometimes to relax a little and watch the flowers grow.

All in all, I had a fantastic day today and it's all thanks to my friends! Can't believe how I pigged out immediately after that but it just felt good. Hee. Now, my left butt cheek is hurting (I don't know why I keep falling on that end) and my arms feel like they are going to drop out of the sockets any moment now. Falling down is not as easy as it seems, huh.

Photos for Blading 101 are up, as is my miscellaneous photo album.

What's Playing on iTunes
Something About You from America Town by Five For Fighting

Grump alert

2004-05-19T15:06:00.000+08:00

Yes, I am feeling cranky and grumpy today. And no, it's not PMS.
Alright, I admit that part of the reason is because I thought the bugger was going to call and he didn't. How the hell I am going to survive the next five months, I don't know.

But anyway, it's also cos the weather is so nauseatingly hot and stuffy. And plus, the moment I got out of bed, my mum said to me, "Mop the floor today." Good morning to you too, mummy. And then, I realise that my episodes of The OC did not have audio fidelity - the words were heard like a second after they were spoken. And there's also the small fact that I am unemployed and nothing in the papers vaguely spoke my language. I want to be a lifestyle journalist! And then, my results are out next week and I am resigned to a miserable second-lower (God forbid if it's a *gasp* THIRD CLASS).

Snap out of it!!

Had a great time with Les yesterday. And indeed, I am a pig. I couldn't stop eating the whole day. First up was dessert at Coffee Club at Takashimaya. What a mind-boggling array of desserts they have! It's almost like taking PSLE all over again. Many thanks to Les for the treat! Should have eaten more, haha!

After stuffing my face with brownies and iced chocolate (I must have been out of my mind), we went to shop around before the call of food shepherded us to Sakae Sushi, where I treated him back. Almost died in the restaurant since the air-conditioning was spoilt. Or maybe we are just spoilt brats living in the air-conditioned nation. Hmm.

Man, I didn't realise how much I missed Les' company. It's like back to VJ time again, though we still don't know how we got to know each other. He says that he remembers me in my SCGS unform, which would make it early 1998. Oh well, doesn't matter. What matters is the present and I was happy to have spent the day with him. We must do it again soon!

Shopaholic busted!

Read this article on The Straits Times this morning and it sounded disturbingly like me. Karyn Bosnak spent so much money on shopping that she ended up owing her credit card companies USD20,000. That could be me! I should cut out this article and paste it on my mirror. Anyway, the good news is that she set up her own website, appealing for donations and she managed to pay off her debts with those donations. Lucky girl! She even gets to write a book about her experiences. Fancy that! Hmm....wonder what would happen if I did the same.....

What's Playing on iTunes
You're An Ocean from "The Harsh Light of Day" by Fastball

2004-05-09T05:48:00.000+08:00

What a great way to spend the Saturday!

As selfish as that sounds, it felt really good not to have to go for practice and instead, spend some quality time with the family. I've not seen some of them for so long and it was nice catching up with the rest of them. I'm not really sorry for missing out on practice because no matter what, VC can never be as important as my family is to me.

After that, went off to catch the ultra-lame Van Helsing. Thanks to Joker for being my Ahmad! Anyway, back to the lame movie. It was full of cheap tricks and cheesy lines and it is second only to the dumber Haunted Mansion in the "Waste of my $8.50" category.

Warning: Wala-wala is bad for the voice
I realise that if I have any intention of being a dedicated and hardworking singer, I should not go to Wala's on Friday nights. Because by the time Saturday arrives, my voice will go right to the range of the basses.

Actually I was in two minds about going. The person who was supposed to persuade me to go wasn't very good with his job. But I guess one has to take pity on the old, short, fat and balding and be just a bit nicer. Maybe we can add "unpersuasive" or "unconvincing" to his already impressive portfolio.

Once there, I was initially bored to tears and wanted to leave. The singer at that time slot was getting to me with his angsty singing and I suppose I was missing the Sham a bit. He's always the one entertaining me when I get bored. But I suppose that's the way life is - the one "left behind" will think more of the one who left than the other way round. But anyway, it all got sorted out in a while and as the drinks flowed, tongues loosened and everybody started grooving. And I was glad that I stayed, even though our mad screaming and jiving were sources of amusement and irritation to the other people. Not only that, horrors, a junior from VJ actually saw me and recognised me as someone from VC! There goes my reputation.

We broke three glasses. Waiter came and removed two tables from our vicinity. I kissed Shiyong twice (I think). Hugged many people many times. Got hugged many times too (though not a willing party for all times). Smiled for camera at least a hundred times. Wanted to sleep a couple of times. Got pulled up onto my feet the same number of times I wanted to sleep.

We are only young once, and we are the graduating class of NTU only once in our lifetimes. If it's not the time to let loose and go crazy, when would it be?

Cheers!

What's Playing on iTunes
The Reason from The Reason by Hoobastank

Hello from the Past

2004-05-07T12:46:00.000+08:00

Received an email from an old friend today, someone I have not really spoken to for the longest time. I guess you could say that it was a pleasant surprise and I was very thankful for the initiative. But as of now, I still can't formulate an answer. How do you reply to someone who had, dare I say it, loved you many moons ago but whom you dodged systematically?

Thankfully for me, the email contained nothing but good wishes and fond reminiscences of the past. Of the silly, sweet things I used to do, things that I had forgotten I had ever done. And it did not dredge up the sad events of the past, merely memories that brought a smile to my face and warm feelings.

I remember telling someone eons ago that I didn't know why people would fall for me, that I am just an ordinary girl and nobody special. Throw a stone into the madding crowd at Orchard on a Saturday afternoon and you will hit someone similar to me. I never really thought of myself as different, because I am not. As Sham says, I am mainstream. So it comes as a surprise that after so many years, someone is still thinking of me, though no longer through romantic rose-tinted glasses.

I still don't know what I am going to write in my reply. Somehow words just don't seem to suffice.

Think my body clock is seriously out of whack. I slept at 4am and when my eyes flew open this morning, it was only 10.30am.

What's Playing on iTunes
Somebody from Singles 81>85 by Depeche Mode

Finally....

2004-05-06T11:03:00.000+08:00

The photos taken last Friday at Hideout are up.
Cos someone was lazy and didn't want to do it herself.
*tooch*

Here's a photo of the people who shared the ups and downs of university life with me - Thanks to Dawn and Dotz who were there with me, at both the lowest and highest points of my life. I love you two! *muaks*

What's Playing on iTunes
More Than Words from Extreme II: Pornograffitti by Extreme

Random thoughts at 4am

2004-05-06T04:06:00.000+08:00

It's almost 4am and I am dying to catch some sleep.
But am having Internet connection problems - suspect that SCV is really, really slow at night. Which is odd, cos you would think that at 4am, only ridiculous people like me are still up. Which means that there should be less people sharing the bandwidth. Which means that the speed should be a lot faster than it is now.

Mum just came to nag at me for not sleeping yet. She means well and sometimes, I feel terribly guilty for not doing what she would like me to do. She's a fantastic mother, there are only two things that I recall her stopping me from doing in my 23 years. One is going to a Brownies international camp when I was 12. The other is stopping me from staying in hall during my university years. Well, she never really did forbid me. It was more of her expressing her wish for me not to do either. And I, being the filial daughter, obeyed.

Was a little unhappy today. Have never liked the feeling of being compared against someone else ever since I was a little kid. I remember my uncle and aunt who used to compare me with their son, who is of the same age as I am. They always felt that he was cleverer and better behaved than I was. I detested that immensely, and although it sounds horrifying, it did feel a little good when I outdid him in PSLE, O'levels, A'Levels and now, university. And I guess, so many years down the road, the idea of being held up against someone else and judged is still a sour feeling.

I just realised that I am having problems sending out text messages. Something is either wrong with the network or the phone.

Hmm....love this song....it's on repeat mode..... =)

What's Playing on iTunes
More Than Words from Extreme II: Pornograffitti by Extreme

Blog etiquette

2004-05-05T01:16:00.000+08:00

When people blog, it is obvious that they are blogging for an audience, be it their friends, family or members of the public. But just because we are writing on the public realm of the WWW, it does NOT mean that readers have the right to heap abuse on what we write.

I was shocked to read a whole chain of immensely rude tags on Fur's blog, berating her for her expressed opinion on Jasmine Trias. Not only was the writer rude, he even mounted a personal attack on Fur's looks, calling her fat and shitty.

Look, not everyone holds the same goddamned opinion in the whole world. Fur might hate Jasmine Trias and the rude piece of crap might adore Jasmine to death. Different opinions do emerge all the time. But just because different people see things differently doesn't mean that he has the right to verbally abuse the others who don't share the same views as he does. Not only that, that SOB was too cowardly to leave his blog or email address, prefering to hide under the cloak of anonymity.

If you, yes you the frigging rude ass who posted rude messages on Fur's blog, are reading this, I have one thing to say to you - GET A FRIGGING LIFE. And do go see what Ash thinks of you and Jasmine.

Now, bugger off.

The (mis)Adventures of the Sleepyhead

2004-05-05T00:36:00.000+08:00

I am a superhuman!
Slept at 6am and actually could drag myself out of my bed at 10.30am. I am truly amazed at my own will power.

Wanted to drop by school to hand up the soft copies of our FYP report to ACRC and also take some photos of the school as remembrance. Also wanted to drop by NTU library to pay my measly fine of $1.80 so that I can graduate from school. In the end, I spent almost one hour formatting the FYP report in the freezer that the school calls the Information Lab.

Although it was pretty cool to go to school when it's quiet, I kind of miss it teeming with people. It's almost the place comes to life when there are people, especially people who are familiar and dear to you. I will definitely miss the place, my friends and the memories. Remember the toilet paper fiasco?

Ended up spending the evening at dear, boring Jurong Point. I still didn't get to take a photo with Jaya, the card board standee security guard. Apparently the whole world thinks that it's an embarrassment to pose with Jaya except me. These people have no sense of humour.

By the time I boarded the train bound for home, I was exhausted. I just plugged myself into my iPod and stoned in my seat. If not for a text message, I would have ended up at Pasir Ris. Thankfully, I managed to extricate myself from my seat at Bugis and went back to Outram. And then, before I knew it, the train attendant at Punggol station was shaking me awake. I tried to act cool about it but he still caught me sneaking into the train that would take me back to Sengkang.

And so, the Sleepyhead has successfully fed herself and is now safely at home. Let's hope tomorrow will be less eventful for her.

Crap, a stupid beetle just buzzed into the room.

What's Playing on iTunes
I Tried to Rock You But You Only Roll from "I Tried to Rock You But You Only Roll" by Leona Naess

Haphazard (2)

2004-05-03T14:36:00.000+08:00

As with everybody in this world, I have my own peculiarities. There are some little quirks in me that sometimes I wish I could get rid of but they are so deeply entrenched in me that I can't help but not be able to change.

For instance, I have this annoying habit of probing beneath the surface of things that people say and do. They might not mean something in their actions and words but through my eyes, they hold deeper meanings. And so, things that were never there seemed to be there.

Sometimes, I can't help but read between the lines. Afterall, I am trained to read through the words to extract the meanings behind them in all these years of English Literature. If Hamlet had meant everything that he had said on the surface, then William Shakespeare would not be The Bard. But applying this to reality is not a good thing.

Alright.
I was supposed to blog a happy post, following the horrifying thoughts of Friday. Let's move on. If not, we will always be stuck in that moment and not enjoying the beauty of the present.

Red Rum Night
Am looking through all the online photo albums that my kind friends have sent me. It was a great night and it was a bad night. I can't describe it in words, the emotions are just too mixed. But I had fun although there was a certain realization that I probably would not see most of the people there anymore. And even if I did in future, things would have changed and people would have changed. I would have changed. It's the chapter of my life that I have to close, whether I like it or not.

One of my favourite pendants, which I wore as a bracelet, broke that night. A sign perhaps? =(

There are lots of links to the albums, will probably put them up here once I consolidate them. In the meantime, here are two of my favourite photos, courtesy of Sleazy Shiyong and Sham the Grumbler (who can now add the name of "Sigher" to his title).

What's Playing on iTunes
Let Down from OK Computer by Radiohead

Violation

2004-05-02T05:00:00.000+08:00

Last night was a nightmare. In ways more than one.

My home is a safety zone to me. I have never felt insecure at home, not in the past 5 years that I have been living here. I have never been wary about my safety.

Until last night.

My sense of safety has been violated and that feeling is really hard to swallow. It's like when things change, you know that they can never be the same again.

Dawn and I got home from the party and were in the lift going up to my place when suddenly the doors opened and a man burst into it. He was odd - he had aviator shades on (it was 5am in the morning) and he was wearing red diamante t-string underwear, which showed up clearly above his low-slung pants.

He said hi to us and pressed the button for the fifth floor, which is directly above mine. We reached our floor and went out of the lift and he smiled and said good night to us. Nothing weird.

Except when we reached my unit at the corner and I was unlocking the door, Dawn turned and spied his reflection on my neighbour's window peeking at us. Once he realised that she had noticed his presence, he abruptly turned and disappeared.

I really don't know what would have happened had Dawn not been with me last night. It's a frightening thought. And just now, when I came home, I looked around me at least three times before opening my gate quickly and rushing into my unit.

I hate what this is doing to me.

What's Playing on iTunes
Drops of Jupiter from Drops of Jupiter by Train

Lazy days no more

2004-04-30T15:32:00.000+08:00

Wow.
The past week has just been incredible.
Am still trying to come to terms with my unemployed status and the fact that I am not a student anymore. But it just feels like a big holiday to me, and I feel as if I am going back to school come July.

Kill Bill on his 50 First Dates
After our last paper on Tuesday, I was overcome with a mix of emotions that I could not identify. It's not anything that I have felt before. Sure, we all have taken our last papers in schools before but this time, it's for real. No longer can I hide under the shelter of being a student, it's time to face the big bad world out there.

But thankfully, the romantic comedy 50 First Dates helped me regain some of my sanity. It was hilarious and I have to say, Rob Schneider is such a gem. Laughter rang out throughout the theatre every time he appeared on the screen.

I must make a confession here - I cried during the movie. I know, the show totally lacks social realism but hey, which girl wouldn't want to have a man like Henry Roth who tries to damn hard to win the love of his loved one everyday?

Since we were all a little crazy that day, we decided to do an excitation transfer and indulge in another movie - Kill Bill Vol. 2. It was such a masterpiece - Quentin Tarantino is brilliant. Pai Mei made me giggle madly, especially in the way he smirks and flicks his silly white beard. The ending was a little unexpected and as a reviewer mentioned, ultimately the show seems like a chick flick. Not going to say more here in case there are those who haven't watched it yet but hey, it's a must-watch!

"Do it" at Wala-wala
Chalked up fun points yesterday. Hee.
The day started sleepily enough, since I had to go to school to hand up my GE reviews. Mr Stead was a sweetie, as always, and he enthused about our writing so much so that I felt much better about the crap that I had churned out the night before.

After that, caught the guffaw-inducing Starsky & Hutch with the guys. I loved the show, especially Ben Stiller! Have a thing for retro stuff and the show just rocks. Huggy Bear! The cars, the music and the props......awesome. The appearance of the original Starsky & Hutch at the end was such a nice touch.

Went shopping for toy guns/swords ("schwingggg!") for tonight's party after that. Some smarty pants happily bought masks, only to realise that they can't wear them cos they wear spectacles. Hohoho, Merry Christmas.

Headed down to Wala-wala after that (pics here) and after the initial cooling down (I was darn tired and beer doesn't help), it was back to crappy times again! And as usual, the klutz struck again and she cleverly spilt beer all over Kenny (sorry!). Sigh. When will the girl ever learn to be more glamorous? No wonder she is of a buddy more than a girl.

Okiez, think it's timeout for me now. Need to ransack the wardrobe for some ideas on which murderous character to go as for tonight's party, hee. I shall end off with the best advice I have heard in the last two days,

"Do it!!"

What's Playing on iTunes
Lazy Days - Leona Naess from Music From the O.C. [UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK] by Various Artists

The oxymoron called "female buddy"

2004-04-30T04:26:00.000+08:00

There are girls. And there are girls.
But not all girls are seen as girls by the boys.

To boys, these girls are their friends, almost one-of-their own. In short, they see these girls are not really girls. These girls are buddies.

Buddies are different from girls. Girls are chicks that they desire. As girls walk by them, swishing their skirts, boys turn their heads and think to themselves, here's somebody I want to date. They glance admiringly at girls and those who are either courageous or desperate enough will actually try to make the transition from being "friends" to being in love. If not, they resign themselves to gazing from afar, enjoying the sweet torment of their longing.

When it comes to buddies, things get a little simpler. Buddies are buddies. They hang out together. They sit around and drink beer and talk whatever nonsense that buddies talk about. They watch soccer matches together and cheer/curse loudly, depending on the situation at hand. They go for movies together and laugh simultaneously at the rude jokes. They don't bother with dressing up with one another - afterall, they are buddies.

Sometimes, I think I belong to the latter category of girls. Among all my male friends, I am a buddy. We enjoy one another's company. We make fun of one another. We end up doing and saying stupid things because hey, that's what buddies do. We are not afraid of embarrassing ourselves in front of one another. Sometimes, things get a bit adventurous and we might end up at the old Changi Hospital looking for ghosts and then going for prata.

I enjoy being buddies with them. It's always a lot of fun being part of the group. But sometimes, I just wonder if that's how people see me.

Just a buddy.

What's Playing on iTunes
A Whiter Shade Of Pale from Medusa by Annie Lennox

A chapter closes

2004-04-28T03:57:00.000+08:00

Today is the last day that I can officially call myself a student.
Yes, after four eventful long years, I have finally taken the last paper of my life. I have the blister on my thumb to prove that I tried to go out with a bang. But as usual, silly me did not finish the paper again. Hee.

Well, what can I say? It's been a damn long four years. So much has happened since the day I stepped into CS (one week later than everyone else cos I was in Austria for Choir Olympics). I went in there as an naive, 19-year-old girl with a boyfriend, and emerged as a slightly battle-worn 23-year-old single gal. And I find that I like it better this way.

I know it sounds weird, who would prefer to go through a breakup? But now as I look back, I know that it's probably the best thing that has happened to me in these four years. And I am glad that it did.

These past four months went by so fast that I can hardly believe it. In many ways, I wish that they could be longer, that I can have the chance to live 36-hour days rather than the short and bittersweet 24.

This semester has been life-altering in many ways. Got to know acquaintances better, got to know me better, got to know who the people who will be there for me when I am down. If I had a chance to relive the past four years, I definitely would.

So many memories, so many "what ifs", so many "if onlys". But it's all over. This chapter is now closed. Officially.

How do I feel then?
I don't know. Think I will probably find out later, once I have had my needed dose of sleep (after moving my desk around, I am kinda tired).
This StaR is falling asleep at her desk.

What's Playing on iTunes
Calling from I Tried to Rock You But You Only Roll by Leona Naess

There she goes...

2004-04-26T20:40:00.000+08:00

...falling flat onto her face.

Yes, that's me.
I, Queen of Klutzes, Mistress of Shopping, Princess of Imagination.
I fell flat on my face today, landing right at the feet of an idiotic Engineering geek. Who did not help me up (that bas****). Who merely grinned amusedly at me.
Damnit, why couldn't I at least have the dignity of tripping in front of a cute and chivalrous dude?
As I am typing this now, I am making small, whining noises, appalled at the pain that my kneecaps are giving me and the humiliation of it all. It's all Fur's fault, I was trying to get to her and her melons.

So my only conclusion is that I am Becky Bloomwood and Bridget Jones combined....without the men. Committing faux pas everywhere I go. Being the source of people's amusement at every occasion. Sees people walking towards me carrying Mango shopping bags during sales and go berserk, obsessing that they bought things which I like and actually fit me. Whine constantly to my (sometimes gay) friends. Need to develop inner poise (and stop doing unglamorous things like falling flat on my face).

Sigh. I need a Luke Brandon or a Mark Darcy. Or both.

I have discovered that I have a forte for not completing my exams. Did that for Media Law and Ethics, did that today for Psychology of Communication. Goodbye 40 marks! Hello unemployment!

I should be studying for tomorrow's paper but somehow, can't muster the energy. Think will go watch an episode of The O.C. Adore my sunshine-y boy, Benjamin McKenzie. Feel terribly like Anna sometimes.

Here's hoping that tomorrow will be a good good one.

What's Playing on iTunes
When I Look To The Sky from My Private Nation by Train

Good Morning, Singapore

2004-04-24T13:16:00.000+08:00

Overslept this morning again. Had my alarm set at 8.30am but somehow when I opened my eyes, the clock showed 11.00am. Oh blast.

Spent what's left of the morning reading the newspapers and came away feeling rather disturbed and sad.

The news that took centerstage at The Straits Times today is that of the Nicoll Highway tragedy. Due to fears that the wreckage would collapse, SCDF has decided to call off the search for the body of the last missing man.

The Grim Reaper has reared his ugly head here, leaving pain and distress in his wake. There is a sense of bitter irony working here - the family of the missing man needs his body to provide closure to the trauma that they have gone through for the past few days. And yet, to gain such psychological comfort, it would mean endangering the lives of many other Singaporeans, who have risked life and limb just to do that for them. In the end, the decision was made to call off the search. The family might not be able to accept the decision but ultimately, they have to resign themselves to the fact that they now have to obtain closure in other ways.

I admire the family members of the dead for their courage. Courage in sharing their grief with the rest of the nation, courage in the dignified ways that they have held themselves under the scrutiny, courage in their acceptance of the accident.

Another perturbing piece of news was that this website has, in the name of journalism, published a series of photographs showing the remains of dead American soldiers arriving home. Subsequently, many other mainstream news organisations also published the pictures, as detailed by The New York Times (registration needed).

According to the article, news organisations have criticised the Pentagon for limiting information about the dead soldiers in their bid to conceal negative publicity about the war in Iraq. And yes, press freedom is important to the journalists, as evident in their First Amendment. But obviously the good people at the site did not employ the Potter Box in making their decision to run the photos. And equally obvious is the fact that they have not heard of Rawls' and his Veil of Ignorance, or the Agape principle (yes, I have not wasted my four years of university education).

Do the families of the dead soldiers need to see the pictures splashed on their newspapers in such a manner? Sure, it's woefully ridiculous that they do not get to see the bodies of their loved ones being brought home to them. But does the act of running these pictures provide any sense of closure? I don't think so.

What's Playing on iTunes
Just The Way You Are from Billy Joel - Greatest Hits Vol. 1-2 by Billy Joel

Of birthdays and goodbyes

2004-04-21T02:40:00.000+08:00

It never ceases to amaze me how my friends (or rather, their parents) contrive to have their birthdays on consecutive days. The coincidence is so uncanny. So part of this posting is going to be dedicated to the joyous occasion of birthdays!

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to

Pok, who turned 23 on 18th,

Min, also 23 on the 19th, and

Big Backside at the ripe old age of 25 on the 20th!

There you go, the happiness of turning older and wiser.

The Talented SCI Students
Yesterday was the day of my extremely traumatic FYP moderation (photos here). As if the trauma was not bad enough, I came face-to-face with the fact that my peers in school are miles ahead of me in terms of the creativity bank. After sitting through four hours of the FYP efforts of the Electronic Broadcast Media (EBM) division, I come to the conclusion that I am a very sad individual in a sea of talents.

The short films that that they made, be it documentary, mockumentary or drama, were all so outstanding that if I didn't view it in school, I would have thought that they were the works of professionals. The standards were so high that it's hard to imagine these people not winning awards and not getting A-grades. I especially loved the mockumentary, "Spaces" which focused on the realm of homosexuals, and Sham's "postmodern" piece, which apparently did nothing for the Dean. Oh well.

But the accolades go to the multimedia group, who created an educational website using flash animation called The Domed Survival. Comprising of only girls, this group conceptualised, designed and created the whole site by themselves! The site is so cool that it had everyone in the lecture theatre cheering at every chance they could get.

What can I say? After four years, my school life ended officially yesterday. It was a bit sad because I finally felt as if I truly belonged there and it had to end. But I am glad that it ended that way.

Because I feel so proud of my school mates and friends. Not only those from EBM, but also all those who worked their asses off for their FYPs. Here's wishing them all the best in their futures. And mine too. =P

What's Playing on iTunes
Why Can't I - Liz Phair from Music From the O.C. [UNOFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK] by Various Artists

Trip Down Memory Lane

2004-04-17T19:15:00.000+08:00

Was supposed to be studying today. Afterall, I am due to start my final lap round the institution called academia on Thursday. But somehow, inertia set in and I found myself doing anything but study - re-reading The Lord of the Rings' The Fellowship of the Ring, playing games on my baby and sorting out my old photographs taken long before digital cameras were popular.

Discovered some old albums whose existence I had forgotten about.

Some elicited smiles and chuckles, like those taken during 1999's Symphony of Voices, 1999 Singapore Youth Festival's Grand Finals (where we were defeated rather unfairly by Singapore's elite students), 1999's trip to Germany, TSD's public performances (both prelims and A'Levels pieces) also in 1999.

I remember the day of the SYF competition. After the results were made known, I was in shock and could not stem the flow of tears down my cheeks. Perf and I went mad during the walk to supper, we were yelling and laughing madly along the way. Some genius took a photo of that.

I remember our trip to Germany. It had been cold and someone was there to warm my hands. We used to joke about getting married at the age of 30 if we were still single by then. At 18, the thought sounded preposterous - afterall, 30 was still a long way to go. And now, we are already approaching the wrong end of the glorious 20s.

I remember my A'levels piece for TSD. Everyone was against us going to Germany in early June when our practical exams were in late June. But we did anyway and went on to produce the best piece of our lives. The detractors had to eat their words when we became the only group where everyone had an A for A'Levels and where the examiner had nothing to criticise about. That remains the achievement that I am singularly most proud of.

And now I am 23. What have I done for myself thus far?

As a product of a single-parent and financially-challenged family, I am proud of myself. I have come this far on my own two feet. I have weathered through storms that most of my peers aren't even aware of.

And I am glad.

PS Apparently our performance in SOV 99 is on the web, with our songs available for download in MP3 or ASF format.

Stuck in this moment

2004-04-15T23:51:00.000+08:00

Life is all about balance.
There are good days. And then, there are bad days.
And today is not a good day.

Maybe it's because I have had only four hours of sleep.
Maybe it's because I feel taken granted for.
Maybe it's because I am tired, in more than one way.
Maybe it's because sometimes, I just wish people could just see me for me.
Maybe it's because I wish someone could hug me and tell me that I am doing a decent job.
Maybe it's because the joke is on me now, leaving behind a thorn in my side.

Maybe later will be better.

Haphazard

2004-04-14T01:26:00.000+08:00

I am having trouble with my 403 op-ed. Stuck at 350 words. Can't think of what I want to write. Could it be due to the fact that I am singing along with the songs blasting out of my iTunes, looking through online photo albums, surfing The O.C fansite to look for songs to download, chatting online and texting all at the same time?

Speaking of photos, I love those that we took last Friday! Cutie! Although I look horrid in them, I shall be like Bridget Jones, develop inner poise and accept that I look like crap. But can't post the link here cos Shammie will grumble.

My handphone is dying. The buttons are not working anymore. My texting speed has gone down tremendously.

Train has got some fantastic music. Some of those that are on my iTunes repeat mode are Drops of Jupiter, When I Look to the Sky, and Meet Virginia. When I Look to the Sky makes me feel very happy and inspirational. Almost feel like dancing in the rain, not that it's going to rain soon. Last did that in JC, when I feigned illness and skipped Ms Goh's Lit lesson. Felt guilty later cos she saw me dancing in the rain with Tuckz and asked me to go back in so I won't get sicker.

[edited April 14, 12.09pm]Sham the Grumbler has allowed me to post the location of the photos taken last Friday!

No eye for taste

2004-04-13T00:22:00.000+08:00

Singaporean men have the worst taste ever.
I am serious.
After watching MediaCorp 5's "reality" show, Eye for a Guy, I am convinced that Singaporean men are stupid and sex-crazy. How else would you account for the 10 men who are vying for the affections of one FHM "babe"?

As Julie Andrews said, let's start at the very beginning.

In this show, touted to be Singapore's answer to ABC's highly popular The Bachelorette, 10 men are to slug it out for the heart of Singapore's representative at the FHM Bikini Heaven, Rachel Lee. She is supposed to be intelligent, gorgeous, sweet and have a fantastic body to boot.

All I can say is, after yawning through barely 15 minutes of it, this show is stupid, stupid and stupid.

First of all, the fair lady comes across as having a personality of an empty glass. Which means, she has none. She is as bland as distilled water. In real life, she might be vivacious or charming or outgoing. Whatever. In this show, she exhibits no traits that I would call discerning or even noticeable. When a guy gave her a portrait of her that he had drawn (doesn't that sound suspiciously like Ryan Sutter writing a poem for Trista Rehn?), her reaction was a plastic smile and, "Oh. Thanks. That was very sweet."

Maybe I was too used to thinking of Trista as the Bachelorette, which would mean that it's not Ms Lee's fault that I am panning her now. Trista is funny, warm and cute. Ms Lee is boring and lacks facial emotions. At least Trista had a reaction for everything that happened to her. All this local babe can do is smile. And I'm sorry but is she supposed to be beautiful? Because she doesn't do a thing for me. If the producers had chosen someone like Junita Simon, it would have made so much more sense.

Granted, that girl has a fantastic figure. Nice perky big boobs, luscious curves, long slender legs. Move your view a little higher over her neck and the sense of expectation that you have just falls flat on your face. And then she opens her mouth and you just want to turn sadly and walk away. And well, seeing all these men "fighting" over her just leaves me much perturbed.

Let's move on to the men now. Can someone tell them that dissing their rivals off on national TV is so not cool? I swear that these men are bitchier than the whole of the female population of Singapore combined. Being sneaky and telling the lady that all your rivals can think about is sex is not gentlemanly. Having your words bleeped out on screen is not funny. And although it's really sweet dear, passionately declaring that you are happy to look stupid (while acting out the frog song) just to see the lady smile (her plastic smile) is worth it, doesn't make you come across as SNAG. Your rivals know it and you know it.

As Singapore's counterpart to The Bachelorette, I can only say that MediaCorp 5 has failed miserably. The men in the show were impeccably dressed and well-mannered. The mansion that they lived in takes my breath away. They travelled in style, in elegant limousines. What do we have? A chalet which, frankly, looks messy. A SUV that seemed to be crammed with men. Men who have rather bad dress sense. The glam factor is just not there.

The show pained me so much that after 15 minutes (inclusive of advertisements), I just had to switch it off. Local TV just isn't working. And they are persecuting us for downloading foreign films and programmes to watch on our computers?

I am missed!

2004-04-11T04:11:00.000+08:00

Here's a series of ICQ messages that darling Ah Tong sent me. Did not go for practice today because it's officially my exam break, hohoho.

Joicie: hoy.... so did u study huh huh huh.
Joicie: anyway, since you are ignoring me, i'll just let u know what's in my heart
Joicie: chorale was borrrring without u and dawn to talk rubbish.

Yay so happy somebody missed me!

Happy Hanukkah!

2004-04-10T04:15:00.000+08:00

Well, according to Sham anyway.
He thought that Good Friday is the equivalent of Hanukkah. Hmm.

It's 4am in the morning and I am still sitting in front of the computer. Something is wrong. Too much activity in one day, I guess.

Checked out Wala's just now after the persuasion of Big Backside throughout the week. He just kept raving about how great the band is and how fantastic the place is that I had to go. And well, he was right (to his credit).

The band wasn't great vocally but hey, they had the best taste in music. They played all the songs that I really like and I was almost bobbing practically the whole time. Coldplay, Five for Fighting, Matchbox Twenty, U2 (U2!!) etc. Man, the music was good!

Well, the vocalist was pretty good but when the surprise of the night - Mogan(!) - sang, he paled in comparison. Totally. And that's even with Mogan not at his best. I remember back when we heard him at AKA A Cappella, singing solo for Hold Me in Your Arms, we were all mesmerised. Just now, he sounded like he was going to swallow the mike any moment but the man is still good.

Right.
I think I am getting tired. Had a fabulous time tonight. Special thanks to Big Backside for the beer, hee. Once Sham uploads the photos (I adopted his camera, everyone thought it was mine haha!), I will post some here.

It's been too long and I'm about to be in time for me
It's been too long and I'm in time

Photos are up!

2004-04-06T00:01:00.000+08:00

Here are the photos taken last Saturday, during our wild night out! Click on the thumbnails for the full-sized versions.
Courtesy of Joyce, AKA MCA. And special mention to Kiat for his generous loan of his camera. *grin*

No title post

2004-04-04T02:06:00.000+08:00

Nothing much to say, just that I had a great day today.
Even though I was positively malu-ed during practice today, haha. It was so mortifying to be standing in front of everyone and see them trying to muffle their laughter, especially people of substantial mass (like YC) whom you cannot miss. Sigh, what can I say, total nightmare. Am so not going for practice next week. (Zhan, if you are seeing this, let's just go for exam break yah.)

But hey, one good thing came out of it - Ah Tong was crowned Most Consistent Alto of Chorale! Go MCA!

It became even more eventful after practice, if that was possible. Music was pretty good, had my supply of beer again, which makes it twice this week. Company was fun and spontaneous. And I actually got molested, when some idiot poked me at the *uhhmm* wrong place. Thereafter, his similarly idiotic girlfriend blurted out to him (and the rest of the table), "Didn't you feel anything?" Thanks. Guess which meanie couple that is?

Ahhh....feel darn full after bak kut teh.....what a shiok feeling! Oooh and don't think I want to watch The Passion of the Christ afterall. Sounds gory and apparently made a pig lose his appetite for supper. Not my cup of tea. Or maybe he was just not intellectual enough for such an insightful movie. Hmm.

So long, farewell

2004-03-30T22:32:00.000+08:00

This is really odd.
I mean to blog about how happy I am that my final year project has finally been put to bed but somehow, I keep stopping halfway and deleting what I had written. It's almost as if no words can really describe the multitude of emotions that are churning in me right now.

This project has been stewing for more than a year. I remember that it was slightly more than a year ago that we decided on undertaking a study on the use of traditional chinese medicine in Singapore. And in this one year, so much has changed.

And now, there isn't FYP to work on anymore. It feels slightly empty, hollow and yet there is such a feeling of great relief. It's also strangely cathartic in a way. And judging by how we four non blondes behaved today, I think I am right to say that the rest of them felt exactly the same way.

Taking pictures of your group mates waving in the computer lab is not normal. Neither is posing with a fire extinguisher sane. Nor is taking photographs of the document being put together step-by-step (from being on the computer monitor, to it being printed, counted, verified, photocopied and bound) behaviour normal people undertake. And let's not forget screaming in the pitch-dark lift from the second storey to the third to the first (SCI is rather cheapie - they switch off all lights in the lifts after five).

And now, after carefully slotting the three bound copies into the mailbox of our supervisor (who had already gone home), I feel a strong desire to shout out at the top of my lungs,

"GOODBYE TO GODDAMNED FYP!!!"

And yet, I miss it.

As D says, now we have no more excuse to fall behind in our readings. And when we are in a foul mood, we can't simply bitch about what a lousy supervisor we have ("fine fine") and how difficult it is to find information about TCM on the Net. To me, it's like the time we were putting together our group pieces for TSD for prelims and A'Levels. After performing for the exams and the public ps, there was a sense of exhilaration and bittersweet loss. No longer will have we have the similar drive to excel. It's time to move on.

And so, goodbye to you, FYP.

The choice of happiness

2004-03-28T19:02:00.000+08:00

Recently, I had two very similar conversations with two girlfriends regarding their relationships. One has been with her boyfriend for almost two years while the other is barely four months into her relationship. What struck a chord in me was that both did not seem satisfied with what they had and yet, for various reasons, are not willing to look beyond the horizons for something that might make them feel more complete.

The first one reminds me of an article from the Washington Times that I had received in an email recently. The article talks of how some people in the world are "maximizers" - people who constantly look for the best in whatever they seek - and "satisficers", who are those who seek the "good enough" options and not the best.

My friend is a satisficer. She loves her boyfriend, but not as much as she feels she should. She wonders if this is the best that she can have and if Mr. Right is actually out there waiting for her. Her current boyfriend adores her and for this reason alone, she is staying with him because, as she says, "having a man who loves you more than you love him is a safe choice". She is tired of having to go out onto the circuit and getting burnt again. Hence, although she fears that she might be shortchanging him in terms of the amount of love that she can offer him, she is staying put.

The second one, on the other hand, feels that she cannot connect with her current boyfriend as well as she did with her previous beau. Her current, she says, can't stimulate her intellectually and their conversations are often stilted and limited. She knows that comparisons are useless, afterall the previous let her down badly, and yet she cannot help but wonder if there are men who are better suited to her out there. In her case, she is sticking to her man because she would rather give it a shot first before condemning this relationship to the rubbish bin.

After hearing all these, it really makes me wonder: Why is the search for love so tedious? Is there really someone in this world for everyone? And does it mean that if we had thought that someone is Mr. Right but it didn't work out, he was actually Mr. Wrong and the real Mr. Right is out there lurking somewhere?

In a way, I can empathise with my girlfriends. After going through all the s*** that the world has to offer you, sometimes all you need is a pair of loving arms to hold and comfort you. Even if that sounds selfish, you are willing to forego the endless search for Mr. Right because, afterall, there is already someone who is there for you in good times and bad. There really is nothing wrong with being "satisficers", unless you cannot reconcile the psychological dissonance and are left constantly questioning "what if?"

Will we ever, then, be contented with what we have? Or will the choices in our lives make us question the value of what we have? Perhaps this columnist, writing in The Straits Times, got it right when he says that happiness is not about the better things that you can get in life but "the most efficacious way to gain happiness today is for people to focus on the present".

Leave the future to unfold in the future and live in the present, is what I have learnt.

As for my girlfriends, should they decide to continue their search for Mr. Right, I will applaud their bravery to leave behind the comfort zone and do what they believe is right. And if they should remain committed to their partners, I support their efforts in keeping their relationships alive.

PIG continued.....

2004-03-28T16:34:00.000+08:00

Well well, apparently the Big Eating Adventure on Friday night is still unfinished so I shall continue it here.

After stuffing my face full on Friday, I went home and slept soundly like a pig from 2am to 2pm. Of course, I ended up being late for sectionals and D that rude woman threatened to demote me to the sourSOPranos section. *shudder*

Anyway, as I was putting on my favourite Levi's 593 jeans to make my way to Siglap, I realised that a miracle had happened. My jeans actually felt tighter! Oh, how brilliant! And when I mentioned it to D, she took a look and agreed with me. Am so going to pig out on Friday nights from now on. Anyone care to join me?

But that's not all. Went for dinner and shared the super-oily kway tiao goreng pattaya with my sala "boyfriend" (haha, loserly Zhan did not know that nasi pattaya and nasi goreng pattaya are the same thing). And after practice, we went off to Plaza Singapura and guess what we did? We ate again! Went to the tiny Lips Bistro and munched on chicken cutlet(s), mushroom soup(s), potato wedges and brownie.

Oh what a lovely way to spend the weekend (better than ironing, haha).
Am totally satisfied.

I am a PIG.

2004-03-27T00:37:00.000+08:00

This is so totally going against the previous entry but what the heck.
I AM SO FULL I WILL EXPLODE.

How do I get fat? Let me count the ways.

Prawn paste chicken with rice

Or Luak

Cai tau kway

Satay

Rojak

Ice jelly

Longan drink

Crumble Cheese Cake (or whatever you call it)

Oreo cheesecake

Citrus cheesecake

Sugarcane juice

I am so going to explode. Hee. It's oh so sinful but hey, I haven't binged on hawker fare for so long! What's a girl going to do when faced with such sumptuous meal? And with such great company?

Right.
Let me just crawl off my chair onto my bed now.

So very wrong

2004-03-22T23:48:00.000+08:00

I promised myself I wouldn't blog today, that I wouldn't spend too much time on the Net today, that I would complete my lecture readings, that I would go catch up on the sleep that eluded me last night (dreamt that I couldn't sleep, weird flying monsters getting flung down the slopes).

And what am I doing here now?
Hee.
But well, at least, things are going well and dandy.

My travel plans, which I thought had gone to the depths of hell, are starting to be righted again, thanks to dear friends (you know who you are!).

I am starting to reach out to people whom I have neglected to really know for the past few years. Like Yenew, Topo, Ash, Fur, Dotz, Julia, JJ etc. I am not alone and I need not feel alone because everyone is just a call, a sms, a message away.

I have come to realise that it is okay to be sad once in a while. I am not a superhuman, I have emotions and memories too. And memories and the feeling of hurt do not disappear overnight (though I damn wish they would). As W tells me, I am a better person because of all that has happened, that I am all the stronger for it. And I want to believe him.

Also realise that happiness need not come from being happy with/about myself. Was reading through the blog of Ash's friend, Abby, and suddenly felt the well of joy at her happiness bubbling up my heart. Ash thought I had gone mad but somehow, I was really glad that Abby is contented. And I don't even know that girl. Weird, yeah?

There have been some sparks of attraction towards some members of the opposite sex, feelings that I had thought were long dead or at least destined to be dormant for a very long time to come. I still have the aptitude to fall in love then.

Life may not be fair but now I know that I have the strength and fortitude to weather through all the ups and downs. Plus, there are people who love and believe in me and that's the best blessing anyone can get. I may not be the smartest, the wealthiest, the best-dressed but I am definitely one of the richest, in terms of love and happiness.

My Girl

2004-03-21T17:15:00.000+08:00

This is an obviously uninspired title but hey, it's the contents that matter, right?

Just caught the really sweet Thai movie, My Girl, also known as Fan Chan in its native language. It's about the memories of Jeab, a young man currently living in Bangkok, and his childhood sweetheart, Noi Nah.

Without going too much into details (since some of you have not watched it yet), one reason why I enjoyed the film so much is because of the way the directors reined in the cliches. With nostalgic films like this, it can be easy for the directors to pile on the emotional tricks to elicit reactions from the audience. Here, they managed to keep the show light and poignant without being overly dramatic.

Plus, I felt that the show captured the essence of that era beautifully. The props, the setting, the lighting all contributed to the laidback and easygoing feel of the past.

It also helps that the show's cast was wonderful. The two protagonists, Focus Jeerakul (as the girlish Noi Nah) and Chalee Thirat (as the scrawny Jeab) had such rapport and chemistry with one another, expressing the nuances of childish afffections with such sensitivity. The bully Jack, played by a towering Chelimpan Thikhampontheerawong, was such a hoot.

All in all, I would give this feel good movie 4.5 stars out of 5.

These Depressing Times

2004-03-17T02:00:00.000+08:00

Was reading Avantgo on my way to school this morning when I felt overcome with dread. Some of my subscriptions include The New York Times and BBC News and this morning, at 7.30am, I was reading about the shock that was echoing across Europe following the train bombing in Spain.

It wasn't the kind of news that one should read so early in the morning because you will end up having a sinking feeling in your stomach. Indignation, helplessness, fear....these thoughts and more ran through my mind. Indignation for the loss of innocent lives, civilians who did nothing wrong but happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Helplessness at the thought of terrorism, this sick evil pervading our everyday lives and yet we can do nothing about it. Fear that one day, despite the government's best efforts, this evil will reach us and destroy our lives as it did others.

I can never understand why there are people in this world who take such perverted delight in destruction. Surely, no matter which religion you believe in, the gods will never advocate the taking of innocent lives? Surely lives are deemed precious and no human should have the right to decide who is to live and who is to die (except in cases of crime and punishment)?

And when I read about how Palestinians celebrated the deaths of two Palestinian suicide bombers who died while trying to blow up Israelis, I felt sickened. A celebration of death sounds paradoxical, irrational. These people have lived in unrest for so long that peace is alien to them, that they derive comfort and relief from death.

Sometimes, I feel ashamed of myself. As I am shopping and buying unnecessary pieces of clothing and accessories, there are people out there who live with real threats and fears. And here I am, blatantly indulging myself and giving in to materialism. Perhaps I am too spoilt for my own good.

Life is so short. Tomorrow, I might be lying in a pile of rubble in the midst of a carnage created by racial extremists who decided to bomb the train that I am in. Who knows?

Sunset Boulevard

2004-03-14T23:22:00.000+08:00

I'm on a roll here so here are more pictures.
Was at Sentosa on Friday evening and had the chance to observe and photograph a lovely sunset, reminiscent of Hawaii.
So am going to pretend that I was at some exotic island in the Caribbean rather than Sentosa.

I have stupid friends.....

2004-03-14T21:08:00.000+08:00

.....and that's why I love them!
Because we can all do stupid things together.
Below are two cases in point:

Kissing Gurami

Nearly puked out my dinner when I saw this picture. Somehow not surprising, coming from this pair of idiotic best friends.

Indian Dance

That's D and I attempting to look like Indian dancers. We actually look pretty good, don't we?

Happy Birthday!

2004-03-14T20:35:00.000+08:00

Am extremely pleased this weekend because two of my favourite people in the world are celebrating their birthdays! Both exceptional members of the pathetic Singaporean Male species (yes, I am disillusioned with the situation around here), they have been wonderful friends and are the shining light of their species. As Michelle Branch sings, "everything is alright" with them around.

So here's wishing them happy 26th and 21st birthdays respectively!

Wayne

Yokie

Wedding bells a'ringing

2004-03-09T18:08:00.000+08:00

I received the loveliest surprise today - my JC classmate, Kei, is actually getting married this coming December!
Well, technically, she is already married, having ROM-ed last year. And she is moving into her new place this week. I am so happy for her!

A little background on our friendship: we were classmates during JC and were part of a group of crazy slackers. We used to get so surprised at seeing each other during lessons because those events were rare. Both of us belonged to the breed of students who didn't believe in travelling for something as miserable as lessons. Somehow, when she was in school, I wasn't and vice versa. The likelihood of us turning up for classes together were made even smaller as we only shared one common subject in our second year.

But I always had a great time with Kei. We usually enjoyed doing silly things together. There was this inane conversation that we used to have about going to the loo and it goes like this (positions can be swopped),

Me: I want to go to the T
Kei: Because I want to pee
Me & Kei: So let's go to the T to pee!
Cue guffaws

Totally ridiculous but hey, we were only 17/18.
And now we are 23 and she's married. How time flies! Admittedly, we both lost touch for the past four years since graduating from JC but somehow, it still feels great to talk to her. There was no awkwardness and everything was just so natural.

I am so happy for her and Bernard. They are just so sweet together. She used to tell me that they never fought because they just couldn't be bother to lose their temper and both being easygoing people, were able to give in to each other. And for her birthday once (or some occasion like that), he acually bought her her own microphone (Kei is a singer). They are that sweet.

Am totally looking forward to their wedding in December! Whee!

To Dawna and Xuhao

2004-03-07T02:41:00.000+08:00

I am typing this in the comfort of my room. One hitch though - a stupid beetle is buzzing around me and I am living in mortal fear that the stupid insect will head straight for my face. I beat around me desperately, trying to dissuade it from smacking me in the face (these things are hard - I once had one on the back of my shirt and when I laid in my soft and cosy bed, it actually poked me and it hurt).

Anyway, the main point of this is not about annoying beetles but a mini tribute (sort of) to two of my close friends - Dawn and Joker. Now, I've known them since my JC days and we've really come a long way. Dawn is like a best friend to me and Joker is like a brother (but when quizzed, he'll probably say that we're not close but just okay, haha). As their perpetual third wheel (I get asked rudely to haul my ass out of his car but naturally, I don't), I have had the chance to observe this pair of halflings at work.

Theirs is a story that many thought was predictable. Afterall, how many relationships that began in JC actually last? But they proved the cynics wrong and they seemed to grow stronger as a couple over the years.

They are both independent people and not the clingy, obssessive type. They give each other space and yet enjoy each other's company whenever they can. They share laughs together and don't mind doing silly things. They are open with each other and share their opinions, not expecting the other party to change. They accept each other wholeheartedly and willingly. Best of all, they are not the exclusive kind of couple who make you feel like you are invisible (therefore, uncomfortable) whenever you are in their presence (that's why I like to hang out with them).

I know that they are not the perfect couple and frankly, the perfect couple would be a bit boring. But I am really proud of them and I am happy that they have beaten the odds and stayed together for so long (and probably will for the rest of their lives). In fact, I would probably be the happiest person after their parents at their wedding**. Why, I might even cry.

They have shown me that it takes effort on both parties' part to maintain a relationship and I am glad that they have done it. When disgusted with hypocritical Singaporean men (or man), I only have to look at them and believe that all is not lost yet.

I want to thank them both for their loving friendship and for showing me what love really is. I love you guys! *huggs*

**PS Does it mean that I will get an angpow of $8,888 at your wedding??

The Resigned Stork

2004-03-06T13:03:00.000+08:00
It is official.
I am part of the three 'prime targets' that the Government is focusing on, in their bid to wrangle more babies out of their citizens. Simply because I am single.

It feels kind of sad that we have to resort to government intervention even in the private realm of procreation. Personal issues ranging from oral sex to having children have become the perogative of the state. In Singapore, it seems, nothing is too personal and nothing is outside of the wide net cast by the government.

It brings to mind what a lecturer said about the various public campaigns led by the ministries, such as the Healthy Living and the Myopia Campaigns. To her, all these so-called public service campaigns were not really targetted at the wellbeing of the individual. Think about it, she said, if the citizens were unhealthy, they would fall ill and not be able to go to work. In monetary terms, this is a wastage to the company. In productivity terms, efficiency is diminished and if this scenerio happens at a large scale, then the economy will suffer eventually. Hence, she mused, everything revolves around the government and the state. Hence,
Healthy individuals = productivity = better economy = richer Singapore.

Going back to the procreation crisis that we are facing here, it comes as no surprise that the number of children married couples have has come to the forefront of debate. Singapore is, afterall, a very small and labour-intensive country. With the current brain drain going on (many Singaporeans have opted to be quitters), the aging of the population and the slow trickle of foreign talents coming in, it is no surprise that the Government is worried.

Is it then our duty as citizens to heed the call and produce more children because our population is diminishing by the day?

One side of me says yes because no matter what, this is a country that has given me the opportunity to be educated and provided me shelter and an efficient public infrastructure. I don't have anything against people who leave Singapore for greener pastures but those who complain about the lack of opportunities and the exhausting fast pace of life are just that - complainers. Anyway, I do feel a sense of loyalty to this little island and I do plan to have children eventually so it works out in a way.

But the resentful side of me feels that the citizens should be entitled to their own little personal space. There are many factors as to why Singaporeans are not having as many children as the Government wishes them to and they are entitled to their own reasons. I am rather put off by the attempts of the Government to push us into the direction that they want us to go, Romancing Singapore being a prime example. I am single and I am enjoying my life as it is, free from the emotional burden that I went through previously. It doesn't mean that I am an anomaly that needs to be put right. Not having a partner (and potential life-mate) does not make me a lesser person. And couples who do not have more than one child, or any children, are not in the wrong. It's simply a lifestyle choice, just like being single is.

So the conclusion is like a Catch-22 situation - Damned if you do, damned if you don't. It's a tough world out there when the stork has resigned its position.

It's Santori time!

2004-03-03T16:31:00.000+08:00
Sounds vaguely reminiscient?
If you had caught Lost In Translation, you would no doubt have giggled over the ad that Bill Murray was making in Japan.
And if you had had a good laugh over that scene, check this out for more Japanese ads featuring Western celebrities, who probably wish that nobody would ever see them.

Yann's Top Ten List #1

2004-03-01T17:35:00.000+08:00
As this is my blog, I shall be obnoxious and self-centered and put up a series of Top Ten List.

Now, the debut of my new series shall be something very close to my heart: Top Ten Men I Adore. These are men who make my heart beat faster, who thrill me with what they say or do, who impress me with their wondrous charm. They are not here simply because of their looks - these men are more than eye candy to me. You are, of course, allowed to gag at my choices but I don't really care. *grins*

Enough of that. The nominees of Yann's Top Ten Men are, in no order of preference:

1. Aragorn

Alright, I lied when I said the list is not in any order of preference. He is my ideal man and has been for the past three years. Asking me why I adore him is like asking me why I love chocolate - I don't know. He's manly, noble, courageous and so much more. The only obstacle I foresee in our union is the fact that he is fictitious.

2. Dominic Monaghan

Dominic who, you may ask. He's a family member of the famous Fellowship of the Ring - AKA Merry. He didn't really impress me much in the show, since my attention was focused on Aragorn (see above). But I was drawn to him outside of Middle Earth by his dressing and his cool and collected demeanor.

3. Jay Chou

Ahhhh....He is but only one of the most talented singer/songwriter in Asia right now. Who can not be charmed by his devil-may-care drawl, poetic music and soulful eyes? The only drawback to him is his habit of errr hanging loose.

4. Johnny Depp

Who can resist Johnny Depp as the irrepressible kohl-lined pirate in Disney's hit, The Pirates of the Caribbean? Here's a man who makes wearing make up look sexy and roguish at the same time. Loved him during Edward Scissorshands but, due to the slight mishap of him falling in love with Winona Ryder, subsequently fell out of my radar.

5. Ryan Sutter

Hands up, all ladies who were not impressed by Ryan during Trista & Ryan's Wedding (I admit it, I actually watch that show). Just as I thought - nobody. You've gotta give it to a man who tries his best to give his bride the wedding of her dreams, although it is completely in pink. He's sweet, romantic (the dude writes poetry and paints, for goodness' sake) and has an 8-pack to boot. My real ideal man.

6. Keanu Reeves

Forget him as the cardboard-emotion Neo in Matrix. Catch him in Something's Gotta Give and you will fall in love with him all over again. As the good 'ol doc, he's gorgeous, romantic, affectionate and charming.

7. Bae Yong Jun

If you ever catch him in the drama Hotelier, you will understand my fascination with this man. Gorgeous, passionate, imperfect - these are traits of a real man. And then watch him in Winter Sonata and your fate is firmly sealed. There really is no getting away from the charms of this man.

8. Takenouchi Yutaka

The original Japanese hunk. Forget girlish Kimura Takuya and the rest of the nonsense, here's a charismatic man. He exudes a sense of brooding mystery and he intrigues me.

9. Clay Aiken

The underdog triumphs! Here's a man who makes me laugh when I listen to Build Me Up Buttercup and touches me when he sings Bridge Over Troubled Water.

10. Dylan Goh

No buts about it, this is my current favourite little man! My darling nephew who's almost two-and-a-half, he makes my list simply because he is who he is. I love the way his little arms go around my neck when I carry him, how he likes to jump onto my lap and hug me unexpectedly, the way he "talks", how he can be so contented and amused by the smallest of things etc. Being around him makes me happy and I thank God that I have him in my life.

A Clean Sweep

2004-03-01T15:06:00.000+08:00
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King has proven itself to be the ruler of the Oscars, sweeping all 11 of its awards. And quite deservingly, too.

I must have been an idiot to drag myself out of bed at 9am just to catch the awards ceremony but well, my excuse is that this would probably be the last time ever that I can watch it live. Usually, I would be in school and from this year on, I would be joining the rat race so Monday mornings would be spent rushing to work and suffering from Monday blues and not watching the Academy Awards live.

Anyway, my parasocial relationship with the trilogy manifested when I laughed and cheered each time LOTR won an award. And as it is, my sharp eyes caught on quite early on that my King, Aragorn, did not turn up for the ceremony.

I don't think there will be another movie that will ever touch my heart as LOTR did. Hell, I even sat through a 500-minute marathon of all the three shows in one sitting. That has got to count for something.

That said, Liv Tyler looked like a giant next to the four hobitses. A very gorgeous giant, of course, but one who speaks too breathily for my liking. Perhaps it was the nerves.

Quite enjoyed the show, especially when Adrien Broody blatantly sprayed his mouth with some freshener before he announced the winner for the Best Actress award, a not-so-subtle reminder of his forceful kiss on Halle Berry last year. Also Ben Stiller in his Starsky & Hutch costume and Billy Crystal's remarks on the New Zealanders elicited some unglamorously loud guffaws from yours truly.

Well, the dust has settled and I'm off to listen to into The West, the award winning song by Annie Lennox for the soundtrack of LOTR: ROTK.

City, no more

2004-02-22T11:23:00.000+08:00
Just realised that my favourite TV show in the world, Sex and the City will be airing its final episode today.

This is disaster.

Never before have I felt so emotionally attached to TV characters (well, Channel 8 has crap shows, what can I say?). Yes yes, I am suffering from para-social interaction with TV characters. I want to marry Aragorn. My next man is going to write me poetry and sing me songs like Ryan Sutter (Ryan as in Trista Rehn and Ryan Sutter? The Bachelorette?) did and he should also have 8-packs like Ryan's. Yes, para-social relationships indeed.

But anyway, back to the topic. I am so excited because it seems that Mr. Big is going to go after Carrie and bring her back into his life after all that they have gone through. Yes! He's finally gotten over his committment phobia and realised that Carrie is the one for him. And really, Mr. Big is rather a tempting offer. Suave, charming, wealthy, sweet. Compared with the old-fashioned and old Petrovsky, he really is the cream of the crop.

I can't wait for the finale to play out!

Now, if only I can get hold of Season 6.

A Confession

2004-02-22T02:12:00.000+08:00
Forgive me, bank account, for I have sinned today.
I actually cabbed around today.
Twice, in fact.
Yes, twice.

It was really my own fault the first time round.
Being dead tired and exhausted the previous night, I overslept in the morning and was thus late for an appointment. Decided to be a responsible person and not get to my appointment too late. Bad choice - I nearly murdered the taxi driver with my own two hands at the end of the ride.

First, that nasty little man drove so slowly that even three-tonne trucks ambled past us. During the whole duration of the journey, the needle of the speedometer did not cross the 60km/h mark at all. Never. Never, ever. Worse, the driver seemed to enjoy trailing buses. He remained in the bus lane throughout most of the journey and the only scenery that I could view in front of the cab was the ridiculously uncreated ads at the back of buses. If the windows had been wound down, I probably would have died of carbon dioxide poisoning from the exhaust fumes of the buses.

And speaking of fumes, that man seemed to have no concept of temperature. The sun was shining high up in the sky and it was hot and humid. But no, that nasty little man did not seem to notice the heat and the air-conditioning remained at that uncomfortable neither-cool-nor-warm temperature.

Then, nasty little man made a wrong turn which got my sense of direction all mixed up and confused. Not only did he not apologize, he had the cheek to dump the blame on me.
"You should have told me not to turn," said the nasty little man.
*BAMMMM* went my imaginary fist into his nasty little face.

Later that evening, I went out with my friends after practice. It was all quite fun, us sitting around and playing with digital cameras (obviously theirs and not mine). I got a little bored and asked if we were going anywhere after that.
"We're playing mahjong," came the reply. I was incredulous - there were eight of us there and mahjong is for like, four people? I figured he was just irritating me for the fun of it.

Fast forward to midnight. We were out of the joint and deciding where to go. As usual, the whole gang of us just hung around and got sidetracked by things like limbo rock and Pepsi-cola-1-2-3 (a game). Twenty minutes later, someone asked, "So how now?"
And the answer came, "Mahjong."
I am not very good at mahjong and I do not think that my friends would be very happy with me if I played since I would be a terribly slow player. The others who don't play had already gone off.
I did not want to spoil their night and decided to go off home. And hence, cab number two of the day, which cost me $20.

Now, I am merely a poor student. As it is, my bank account is being depleted due to lack of income and tonnes of bills to pay and books to buy. I did not even want to waste money at the expensive eating joint that we were at.

It was probably my own fault for not believing it when they said they were playing mahjong. If only I had taken the train home earlier and saved that $20.

I'm sorry, bank account.
I promise I will be good for the next few weeks. If need be, I'll starve. *sobs*

Once again...

2004-02-17T23:35:00.000+08:00
Nothing lasts forever
Nothing remains evergreen
Nothing that time cannot sever
Nothing is what it seems

With the passing of time
Come the changes of the mind
With each and every clock chime
Is a reminder of what I have left behind

Love will grow old
Love will fade
The chambers of my heart grow cold
With all the broken promises you made

The past is always there
Never to be forgotten
Thinking back on happy times shared
And all the lessons learned

You are gone from my life
Never will be mine again
Torn apart by all the strife
Leaving shredded hearts riven

-- 14th March 1997

Oh, the pain of being in love at 16. *grin*

Mysteries of youth

2004-02-17T23:25:00.000+08:00
Went through some of my stuff over the weekend and tossed out two big bags of things which I had kept out of sentimental reasons. Well, it's not that I am unsentimental now but some things are just not worth keeping. Found some of the old poems that I used to pen when I was in secondary school, very angsty and pain-ridden. Can't blame me, I had fancied myself a melancholic and depressed poet.

Here's one poem I wrote when I was 15 or 16.

Apart,
Torn by our pain
Without any courage
To talk things through

Alone,
Crying hard inside
Too isolated and tired
to put up a fight

Away,
All faith vanishing
This struggle against tears
I can no longer win

Aloud,
I mourn my love
Buried deep down
In my heart's hearth

Me and my Shadow

2004-02-16T22:43:00.000+08:00
Nothing much to update here.
Between bouts of lows and stomach upsets (suspect I have lost a couple of kilos last week due to fact that I ate 1/5 of what I normally eat a day for one whole week - my top was flappy today and I nearly died of heart attack upon seeing my spaghetti-strap-topped body in mirror), you can pretty much say that I am living the life of characters from The House Of The Dead.

Anyway.
Been reading an intriguing book entitled Life. An Enigma, a Precious Jewel which can be found here.
It's an English translation of a Japanese book on the meaning of life, the existence of life and its connection to Buddhism.
I admit that a lot of its theories, drawn from philosophers ranging from Kant to Mill, are lost on me but as I persist in reading, I find its analysis logical and mystifying at the same time. Is that possible? Is such a contradiction ever possible? But then again, life is something that is intangible and yet it inhabits a body so real and prone to damage and decay.

I saw meaning in a certain part of the book and want to share it with my friends who drop by here occasionally. It is an analogy used to illustrate the symbiotic relationship between human beings and the universe.

"The body moves and transforms the shadow, but at the same time, the body is in a sense created by the shadow, for the body would not be a body if it did not cast a shadow. In other words, the body is given being and identity by the environment and vice versa."

Almost makes me want to say "Amen" but somehow, it's not really appropriate, is it?

Edge of (un)reason

2004-02-12T00:52:00.000+08:00
I do not care very much for the differences in gender perception of nonverbal cues.
It's super irritating that I cannot find any information out there.
Been surfing for so long that I think I am going mad.
If I have to look through another article/journal paper/powerpoint presentation again, I will scream.

Yes, I will scream.

The Window Shopper

2004-02-10T22:45:00.000+08:00
According to the test found on Ash's site, I am classified as the Window Shopper, when it comes to love. Well, obviously I am not such a window shopper when it comes to shopping.

Anyway, what this test means is this:

Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDf)
Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on a romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper.

You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come. (sheesh, more of this crap???)

Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. (case in point..... =P) Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns (tell me about it *roll eyes*).

Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad (hmm.....). Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.

Perfectly true and perfectly right.
Not embarrassed of it and why should I be?
Being passionate is a good thing and I intend to retain my passion in life.
People who cannot be passionate about me need not apply.

Drug Overdose

2004-02-09T23:58:00.000+08:00
Apparently, one pill of Valium is more than enough for me.
Even though it was only 5mg.
My mum takes only a quarter tablet and it seems that for a person my size, half a pill is more than enough.

No wonder it worked so fast and was so effective. I was awaken twice and fell back asleep instantly.

I love sleeping and I love my bed!

Glorious Sleep

2004-02-09T07:12:00.000+08:00
It did come upon me at last.
12 hours of blessed and deep sleep, where I had no dreams, no recollection of anything done in the day. Just deep and peaceful sleep.
Well, thank the Valium.

Insomniac

2004-02-08T19:16:00.000+08:00
I haven't slept in 31 hours and still I cannot sleep.
I do not know why, for I am fatigued.
And yet, sleep does not come to me.
Now, I have to rely on Diazepam, otherwise known as Valium, to induce sleep.
Hopefully, it works and you won't see me posting for the rest of the night.

2004-02-06T23:59:00.000+08:00
Stop <em>badgering</em> me!In the event that you are annoyed and irritated, as I am now, please feel free to go here. It will first intrigue you, amuse you, and consequently, drive you to the brink of insanity.

Perfect.

See, who needs a man when all that he does can be replaced by a website?

And if a man really vexes you to the point that you wish you could smack him on his head, do try out this site (taken from http://www.kung-foo.tv/blog/). This has restored my good mood considerably.

Hell, ya!

William Hung, my hero

2004-02-03T23:20:00.000+08:00
To those of you who don't know who William Hung is, do a search on Google and you will get a pretty clear picture of who this sweet man is.

He managed to entertain and enthrall the whole of America and Singapore with his flat rendition of Ricky Martin's She Bangs, complete with some good 'ol butt wriggling at the American Idol auditions. But bad singing aside, he won me over with his sincerity and honesty.

This man has absolutely no pretensions and illusions. He was genuinely sincere when he explained to the camera that he was here to try out something different from his major in university, civil engineering. And my heart just melted when he told the judges that he had no professional training (at which stage Simon Cowell remarked, "Oh surprise of the century!"). He was not cowed (pun intended) by the repressed laughter of the three judges and went on to say how he had done his best and had no regrets with his performance.

Look at that man. He is so real, so honest and so genuine. And the best thing was, he left the audition with dignity. Unlike other deluded people who refused to leave and whined about the judges being biased and blind, he said thank you and he left. No tantrums, no prima donna attitude. He accepted that he wasn't good enough and he left.

He may not have gotten past the auditions, he may seem to represent the stereotypical Chinaman in America but hey, he's a real winner.

This article showcases William Hung and his life after the audition.

He rocks!

Wanted: A Pensieve

2004-02-01T23:08:00.000+08:00
Yes, I am back with a vengeance, fulfilling my social responsibility to the people who have asked me why I haven't been writing recently.

Today, I am going to treat this blog as my pensieve and extract all my thoughts from it. We always talk about information overload being one of the main effects of globalisation in class and there are times when I understand exactly what it means to have that. Since I do not live in a magical world (alas!), the next closest alternative shall be a product of the technological world - the Internet.

I am shallow
There are times when I wonder at my interest in the world. Sure, I enjoy reading news and I like to keep myself abreast of the issues that are rocking the globe. I know about the bird flu, the Democrats' process of finding a presidential candidate (Kerry is leading so far) and the current price of COE etc.

But really, I am more interested in trivial stuff. Like fighting to get tickets for the Lord of The Rings Trilogy Marathon. Like trying desperately to catch the French movie Love Me If You Dare before it ends. Like looking out for the perfect pair of palazzo capris and rubber thong heels. Like trying to get hold of Norah Jones' music illegally.

Sometimes, I wonder whatever happened to me along the way. Where did that girl who loved Oscar Wilde and the old Bard himself go? What happened to the person who used to love improvisation sessions with her TSD group mates? Is the girl who used to take to the challenge of conducting practical criticism on poetry written by the likes of Sylvia Plath dead and gone? If so, who buried her? And why? And where? Can she be resurrected again, like Buffy (see what I mean when I say shallow)?

I question the sanctity of Marriage
Yes, as you can see, I have grown cynical to the "till death do us part" ideal. I used to believe in The One (ala The Matrix), thinking that in this world, there will be someone who is right for us. Not perfect to us, mind you, but perfect for us. Oh, the grandeur of it all.

Basically, it's all an illusion. In this time and age, people are walking away from unions faster than you can say "Supercalifragilisticaspialadocious". If it breaks, get a new one. Nobody really gives a damn about "working things out" anymore. Men thinks that the women are complaining too damn much. Women sniff that the men are insensitive bastards. Well, both parties are right. So, why bother?

But then I look around me and I see that love actually is all around me. I see it in a man who simply cannot bear to cause grief and hurt to the woman he loves. I see it in a mother whose greatest achievement is giving birth to an adorable and excitable boy. I see it in an elderly couple, who held hands as they walked and sat down at the beach to watch the sunset.

I start believing again.
And the next vicious cycle of heartache begins all over again.

Stress gets the better of me
The flood of work has begun to engulf me again. And as much as I relish it, my emotional side gets the better of me and I find myself sinking into the murky depths again.

The skies are grey and life seems bleak. I am getting crap honours. And my pay will be miserable since working in the media does not pay much. I have exorbitant fees to pay off. My arteries are clogging due to the fatty foods that I eat and I will die of a heart attack by the time I turn 30. And when I die, I will be penniless (due to aforementioned pathetic salary), loveless (given my miniscule social circle and lack of social skills) and full of loneliness (friends having all married long ago with 2.5 kids and 5Cs).

Wait.
Am I 23 or 83?

I want to strike Toto
Right.
That's my ultimate goal. Strike Toto and I will do the following things:
Learn driving and get a car.
Donate money to charity and my secondary school.
Pay off my mother's housing loan and my debts.
Go abroad for further studies.
Tour Europe for three months.
Start my own shop/business.
Buy the Dior pink logo collection. All of it. (bling bling, shallow alert!)
Treat my friends to a spa treatment.
Buy more Toto.

But in the meantime, I shall have to stop dreaming and start getting back to work.

Rantings from an insomniac

2004-02-01T05:47:00.000+08:00
It's nearly 6am.
Why am I not sleeping yet?
I just finished half my share of the work for a project, which is one in many projects that I have to do in order to graduate.

As Yenew says, I have to blog in order to be socially responsible to my friends. And hence, here I am. At 6 am in the morning.

Haven't really been blogging because, well, some things are just too personal to be shared sometimes.

Anyway, it's been a pretty bad week.
Not bad in the sense that I suffer from depression.
It's more of the things that are happening around me.

Well, for one, my mother is officially jobless now. And that means, I am starting to question my idea of touring Europe after my graduation. It sounds selfish and spoilt and I am going to sound whiny when I say, "But it's something I have always wanted to do." There are bills to pay, debts to clear (amounts that are in the region of $20,000) and mouths to feed. Is going to Europe really that important? Would my hard earned money be better off paying my debts? I know she won't forbid me from going, but in her heart, she would rather I not go.

Another thing is that I am starting to feel distanced from my FYP. Things that were decided and dates that were set - all these were not known to me. I had to find them out by accident. And I hate that.

And I hate the way my emotions take rollercoaster rides at my expense. It's not fun and it's definitely not funny. Little things trigger the greatest onset of emotional floods. I have to learn to control myself more.

This week has also been a week of reflections and regrets. I am starting to worry about getting a job when I graduate and getting a lousy honours when people around me are scoring As and on their way to a good honours. It's too late, of course, but still I wish I could have better focused on my studies, especially during my third year. But I was stupid, I let personal problems get the better of me and now I am paying the price for that. I also wish that I had been more open to people during my four years at university. I foolishly limited my circles, thinking that I had my loved one and my friends and they were all that mattered. Well, the loved one has turned out to be the wrong one and I am stuck here with a social circle so small that it could be formed with my thumb and index finger.

And now, I have gone and done something so silly and ridiculous that I feel ashamed of myself. I can't believe the lengths at which I would go just to do it, something which doesn't matter in the end. Shame on me.

As Jewel says, "it's not all bad but it's not all clean". Sounds like life.

Forget it

2004-01-19T21:05:00.000+08:00
Taking your partner for granted is often one of the sins that people in relationships commit. You assume that your partner naturally accepts all of you, good and bad, such that you end up not bothering about each other's needs. You do not bother to change your bad habits, the very flaws that drive your partner to tears, because you think, when we first started going out together, I was already like that so you have no case to complain. And the worst thing that happens is that when said partner, who was driven to tears by the things that you do, end up leaving, you still do not learn from your mistakes and change.

You did not listen when she said that she felt like she was performing a monologue when she talked to you. You thought that she was complaining about nothing, making a mountain out of a molehill. You told her off, saying that this was who you were, without putting yourself in her position. You thought, she doesn't understand me.

And then now, through someone else, you come to realise that you are a bad conversationalist. And you thank this person for helping you realise this truth.

And hence, unknowingly, you break someone else all over again.

I want to be Dorian Grey

2004-01-18T22:27:00.000+08:00
After a weekend of chalet, the thought of going back to school on Monday (for a 9.30am class, no less) sounds dreary. And since I haven't slept well for the past two nights, Monday sounds doubly dreadful.

This weekend flew by so fast, especially today. I think when I grow old, the thing that I would miss most is being young. Today has been so fun, so reminiscent of youth. Even though we were all exhausted, we went ghost-hunting (AKA looking for trouble), drove around aimlessly trying to decide on where to go, decided to go look for trouble again and then rounded up a very eventful day at Starbucks. As Jane said, the last time we did nothing like that was eons ago. We were all so bogged down by life and work that unconsciously, we stopped doing what we used to do.

Even though I didn't contribute much in a sense, it felt really good to just go with the flow and do things which had no logic, which seems nonsensical, which adults would frown upon. Going to explore the old Changi hospital and cruising around in car with no sense of purpose is not exactly the most practical thing to do.

I may not say this often enough but I really do enjoy the company of my zany friends. It's pretty funny to sit in the car and hear some weirdos name Skunk and Wayne wail to the songs blasting from the stereo, to hear Jane giggling hysterically for no rhyme and reason, to listen to Bralala sing the lyrics wrongly (not today though), to just bounce on our bottoms and sing loudly to the songs.

And then as we were at Starbucks, we came up with weird names that our kids (if we ever get married and have any) would hate us eternally for. Some of the options include:
Kong Ghim Li
Orc Tan
Tan Ah Wen
Aragorn Kong (sounds like Aragorn gone wrong)
Mango Tan
Tan U 2
Very/Super/Supra Long (guess who came up with this lamer)

But anyway, instead of focusing on how crappy my Monday is going to be (with two back-to-back tuition sessions), I shall have my warm memories to bring me through the day. We are still so young, we have long roads to go. Hopefully, when we are all old and weary, we will still retain this sense to youthful enthusiasm and optimism, instead of being cynical and sour.

And as Andrea Corr sings,
We are chasing the moon
Just running wild and free
We are following through
Every dream, and every need

And it doesn't really matter if we don't eat*
And it doesn't really matter if we never sleep
No it doesn't really matter, really doesn't matter at all

Cos we are so young now, we are so young, so young now
And when tomorrow comes, we can do it all again

Thank you, my friends.

*Although I think it DOES matter if we don't eat

Let's go vegan!

2004-01-16T01:32:00.000+08:00
Mad cow disease in the US of A.
Bird flu in Vietnam, Japan and South Korea.
Coronavirus-carrying civet cats in Guangzhou.
Fowl cholera in Thailand.
Carcinogenic salmon from the UK.

Going by current trends, the meat on our tables will soon end up in the slaughterhouses for all the wrong reasons.

And as Marshall McLuhan (he of "the message is the medium" fame) says, "the world is a global village". How true. Diseases are spread throughout the world with an ease that had never been seen before. One man carrying the SARS virus could hop onto a plane and infect others at an astonishing rate. And as our kids get smarter, so do viruses. They mutate and change in strains in response to new bodies and even environments.

This is the whole new world.

Neurotically sleepy...

2004-01-16T01:04:00.000+08:00
...if there is ever such a term. Wudeva. All I know is that I am dead tired and still I find myself slogging away for the chorale chalet. Well, even if it turned out to be a big flop because people refuse to come dressed up (those spoilsports??) and because people do not enjoy the game, that is entirely their problem. I have done my best and if they refuse to participate or think it's dumb, it's not my or my comm's fault.

That said, I have one piece of bad news and one piece of good news to share!

The bad news is......I WAS OUTBIDDED!!! Had made my bidding at eBay for that lovely Evenstar pendent but the prices skyrocketed to ridiculous prices! One went up to USD30 and another leapt to €20. Sigh, no more Evenstar. For now.

The good news is, I was OUTBIDDED at an auction for a Gucci replica handbag! It was something I thought I had wanted but as the closing time drew closer and nobody else seemed to be interested in outbidding me, I started to panic. Thankfully, some lucky buyer was on hand to key in her bid closer to the auction closing time (kiasu Singaporean). That means money saved for Evenstar. Hurrah!

Off topic here but I love my wallpapers! Managed to get wallpapers with the psychedelic iPod ads and now I see my desktop changing to a different vibrant colour every 15 minutes. Cool!

Imagine this as my wallpaper.....mmmm......

Ramblings on a cold Wednesday night

2004-01-14T22:39:00.000+08:00
It's the middle of the first week of school and I'm already sick.
*whine*
Suspect that the flu virus has once again assailed me and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why the flu bug simply lurrrves me. I have the classic symptoms - fatigue (I slept from 7pm to 11am last night, skipping dinner), muscle ache, loss of appetite (two slices of toast for dinner, whadya think?) and general disinterest. Wait, the last bit could be me at any time. Double whine.

Had to go for tuition just now. Couldn't pluck up the courage to tell them that I am seriously underpaid. Next week, I promise. And then, on the way back, I had to forsake getting my dinner (hence the toast) because it started raining with big gusts of wind whipping at me. I had no umbrella and had to resort to dodging into corners and carparks to avoid getting drenched in my flu-stricken state. Came to several dead ends and paths that led to the incinerator and I came to the conclusion that I do not know my neighbourhood very well at all.

Thankfully, I had a lovely time turning 23 even though it was the first week of school and I had class at 9.30am. Realise that, really, as your expectations of things get lower or disappear altogether, there won't be any sense of disappointment. If people were annoying, rude or ungracious, then that is their problem and not mine. I should not think about changing myself to make them happy but they should think about changing themselves to be better people.

Now, with my newfound wealth (thanks to generous friends), I have decided to make a purchase that will complete the new me (as compared to without it, I would be the old, incomplete me). And the item is.......

The Evenstar, as worn by Arwen in LOTR! Yes! I'm taking one step closer to finding my Aragorn!

The end of a Sex chapter

2004-01-11T16:43:00.000+08:00
After reading through the following article in yesterday's Straits Times, I have decided that reporter Ong Soh Chin is a woman after my own heart.

JAN 10, 2004
Our Columnist
Goodbye to good Sex

When the last episode of Sex And The City airs in the US at the end of next month, I will be losing four good friends who have never been welcome in this town

By Ong Soh Chin

UNLIKE most of the world, I have no time for reality TV.

Maybe I'm missing a gene or something, but shows like Survivor, Temptation Island and The Bachelor would appall me with their venality if they didn't bore me to tears first.

But I do not begrudge the fact that other people enjoy watching them. I also understand that I am painfully in the minority, if the shows' ratings are any indication. And I'm certainly not here to ask that they be banned.

But I do want to know why many of these tawdry programmes have pride of place on Singapore TV when a programme like HBO's Sex And The City is still nowhere to be found.

While the recent Censorship Review Committee has lifted the ban on it, there is still no word as to when the series will actually be shown here, and whether it will start from Season One or the current Season Six.

Life! understands that HBO is currently waiting for the Media Development Authority to get back to it with screening guidelines for the series.

Fans know that Season Six, which is ongoing now in the United States, is the last one. The final episode is expected to air on Feb 22.

So, ironically, by the time we finally get to have Sex here - if we ever do - the moment would probably have long passed, the lifting of the ban rendered meaningless and the victory hopelessly pyrrhic.

Those of us who wanted it bad would have found ways of getting it over the last six years of its existence.

After all, we may not be able to have Sex here, but we can in nearby countries like Malaysia, the Philippines, Taiwan, Hong Kong and Thailand where the series is shown on HBO, albeit censored.

And you can be sure that we will be watching the final episode, all misty-eyed, smoking our post-coital cigarettes in a dark place off the beaten track; while those who never cared for Sex will still remain shiny happy virgins, beaming under the bright lights of this city.

But after all the sturm und drang, after all the reams of editorials that have been written here about the series - quite a lot considering it's not even shown here - one question remains largely unanswered.

What is so awful about Sex And The City, really?

Nobody in it takes drugs, kills people or beats up small children.

If I didn't know better, I'd say its ban was an entirely misogynistic decision. Its four lead characters are attractive single women, all gainfully employed, who meet and date many men.

Their biggest crimes? Being picky about the men they date (Carrie), realising that happiness does not necessarily come with a wedding ring (Charlotte), being a single mother (Miranda) and enjoying guilt-free sex like a man (Samantha).

The series also boasts some of the best TV writing in recent years - honest, sexy, witty and insightful. It makes you laugh but also think, which is more than can be said for some of the duds on TV which make you do neither.

The four women all try to do the right thing and they are always there for each other. That's much more than can be said for a lot of the people on Survivor.

I sometimes wonder, if Sex And The City had been a comedy series about four single men who date and have sex with women, would there have been an issue?

Maybe not. Maybe not even if it was about four married men who date and have sex with women.

As Sex And The City approaches its inevitable conclusion, I am left feeling the same way I do when saying goodbye to old friends at the airport, or when a relationship ends amicably.

There is a sadness, born of the realisation that all good things must come to an end, but tinged with the knowledge that one will always have fond memories.

As with the best relationships and friendships, one also becomes better and wiser as a result.

For me and the many others who love it, Sex And The City has been groundbreaking in many ways. While some grinches - women included - may decry its heroines as shallow girlies who are concerned only with shopping and finding the perfect man, I think otherwise.

For me, the series is important because it blows the traditional female stereotypes out of the water - stereotypes which have long depicted single women as neurotic old maids, whores or nuns.

At the same time, it also allows that single women can be funny, silly, buy lots of shoes and make mistakes when it comes to relationships. In other words, it shows that single women are not perfect. Just single.

But the biggest lesson I have learnt has been gleaned, not from the series, but from Singapore's banning of it.

While Sex And The City's worldwide popularity has been nothing short of a phenomenon, the powers-that-be in this town, which wants to be a Renaissance City and an information hub, have remained coldly resistant, until its bittersweet end.

If our TV programming is any indication, these are the messages we may be sending out to our young minds:a) Real single women (not spies, witches or vampire slayers) are personae non grata b) Unless they end up married or want to be married.c) But watching real people at their worst - cheating, lying and backstabbing just to win a contest/husband/millionaire/hot babe - is okay.

Is it any wonder these days that I don't watch TV? There's too much reality, not enough creativity, too much that is mundane, not enough that is aspirational.

As far as local programming goes, I am invisible. As far as local morals go, single women can't have Sex.

I don't know about you, but I think it's time we all learned to think outside the (goggle) box.

Hear, hear.

The Day I was Born

2004-01-11T01:14:00.000+08:00
I remember this really depressing line from the (excellent) movie, Igby Goes Down. When Susan Sarandon, mother to aforementioned Igby was talking to his elder brother about the troubled Igby, she said, "His creation was an act of animosity, why shouldn't his life be that way?" Perhaps it's pessimistic but sometimes, I feel as if my life is like that. Not that my creation was an act of animosity (God forbid) but that somehow, my life will never be the contented, snug and warm kind.

It doesn't mean that I am depressed or unhappy. I am neither. But it's just as a dear friend told me, I never seem to be satisfied. In a way, it's true to the way I see life. I am always questioning why, wondering if that's all there is to life. I have an unquenchable thirst to know if I can break out of the mundane box that I am trapped in and yet nothing much in life can drive me on to greater things.

A certain cliche goes that the only constant thing in life is change and yes, indeed, I have changed. But this new me fits like an uncomfortable skin, I do not really like it but I have more or less accepted that I have changed. I can live with it.

One of my friends is organising a birthday dinner for me later. While it would have thrilled me to see that they care enough to want to celebrate it with me, I no longer feel that way. I am touched that she is sweet enough to want me to have a happy birthday as a single but I was really not expecting anyone to bother (and I think no one else would have but her). The excitement and expectation has died a natural death in my heart, along with many other things.

I used to love birthdays because to me, they mark the day that I was born. It's a very me thing, admittedly and I feel that it's something special. I used to cry alone because my mother and sister would never remember that it's my birthday or even if they did, they would say that it's no big deal. It always hurt when people don't feel the same way towards birthdays as I did and hence, treated my birthday as they would theirs (meaning, do nothing).

Now that I am older and more weary, I have learnt that the lesser you care or bother, the better you are. While I might have wanted someone's birthday to be special, that person might not reciprocate in kind and I end up disappointed. So, why bother? Keeping yourself happy is better than trying to make others who don't really care about you happy.

As Radiohead sings in Let Down,
Transport, motorways and tramlines
Starting and then stopping
Taking off and landing
The emptiest of feelings
Disappointed people clinging on to bottles
And when it comes it's so so disappointing

Let down and hanging around
Crushed like a bug in the ground
Let down and hanging around

To Fur: Forgiving is easy, forgetting is not

2004-01-10T02:00:00.000+08:00
Was reading through Fur's blog when I saw her entry that day. And I realise, I am good at saying that I have forgiven but in truth, when the hurt has been inflicted, I may never forgive totally.

For one, I don't think I can ever forgive a friend and his partner 100% for insinuating that I am an unstable person. My friendship with him is still as it was before the allegations came tumbling out but sometimes, I find myself thinking bitterly about what he said.

And in a way, it was also one reason why I never spoke to my ex-boyfriend for a few years after we broke up. His actions and words hurt me and I could never look at him without the flood of memories roaring in my brain. It became easier to just ignore him because he had meant a lot to me and yet had pained me.

But time heals all wounds and I am glad to say that while it can get awkward sometimes, we have talked on those few times we met. He is a special guy, all warm and funny (which was why I liked him) and I do wish him well.

So I guess forgetting is the hardest part of my life and time the most important factor. Hopefully, as I grow older, I will learn to let go more easily.

Get rrrrrocking, baby!

2004-01-10T01:53:00.000+08:00
Today is only the 9th day (well, technically 10th) day of January but I sure hope that the rest of the year will showcase movies as great as the one that I caught today. No, it isn't Return of the King (on a side note, do you know that when you visit the official LOTR website, there will be a voiceover from one of the actors chosen at random, welcoming you to the site? I once clicked it almost 40 times before I got one from Viggo Mortensen) although it is definitely my FAVOURITE show of all time (I only watched it twice).

Surprise, it's Jack Black's School Of Rock! Yes, I went into the cinema with no expectations whatsoever and came out of the darkened theatre with lots of giggles and fun. It was inspirational, humorous without being farcical and 100% feel good.

I loved how smart-alecky Summer was (especially when she was identifying herself to some hardcore rockers as the manager of the band), how Freddy tried to appear as a real rockstar with his spiky hair, how prima donna stylist Billy was, how neurotically principal Ros (played to hilarious effect by Joan Cusak) uptight was, how cool Katie the bassist was (even though her role was under-developed) and how zany Jack Black as the fraudulent teacher was.

One of my favourite scenes is that of Ros and one of the scantily-clad rockers at the competition -

Under-dressed Rocker: And are you in the band?
Ros: No, no, I am the principal of the school.
Rocker: Principal? Wow, that's so cool, cool. Real cool.
Ros: Oh? Err. Yeah, cool, yeah it's real cool.
Rocker: I think you're hot. You're hot. You're hot.
Ros: You're hot? Err you're hot? Is the temperature too high for you?

Cool. *wink*

iPod mini is hot

2004-01-07T04:38:00.000+08:00
The newly unveiled iPod mini is so cool, I am seriously tempted to get one. But it's only reaching me in April! *wails*
It's small, cute, functional and looks so so gorgeous that I can hear cash registers ringing away already. Damnit. I take back what I said about not wanting anything for my birthday, give me one of these 4GB iPod minis anytime!!

Launched at the MacWorld San Francisco, it's not the only thing that wowed me (or rather, that caught my attention from what I was doing). A new music software got me quite intrigued and that is the GarageBand. It's wonderful, it's like making the normal yous-and-Is out there the biggest musician of your room. Getting hotshot singer John Mayer to help demonstrate it was a smart move by Apple (well, he was one reason why I actually paid attention to the demo).

*yawn*
Time to sleep. Still need to get up early to go to work and serve annoying customers. And get bullied into doing more work.

All I want for my birthday is.....

2004-01-05T22:56:00.000+08:00
.....nothing.

Seriously.
At this point of time, I find that I don't have a this urge to have something. There is nothing, really, that I lack and I don't really want to get anything (that is within my friends' budget).
So truthfully, I would rather not get any presents this year.

Unless, of course, if you have the cash to burn.
In which case, here is my list of to-get items:
An at least 4-megapixel digital camera;
256MB of RAM for my iMac;
A Superdrive for my iMac;
A good DECT phone;
A 15GB iPod;
The upcoming Nokia clamshell handphone

Otherwise, I really don't need anything. I think it's a new phase in life. Hmm, maybe I am growing old. Hee.

Music gems

2004-01-04T18:27:00.000+08:00
Oh my gawd.
I cannot believe how good Beth Gibbons sounds on the Live: Roseland NYC album. Her voice is so haunting and disturbing, it's brilliant!

Not enough shoes!!

2004-01-04T17:03:00.000+08:00
I am most definitely a shoe whore.
Recently, I acquired two more pairs of shoes, courtesy of two loving and generous god sisters.
That brings my tally to nine pairs of shoes in six months, starting from June to December 2003.
And that's not enough. I am still on the lookout for more, in particular peeptoe heels that ooze sexy glamour in subtle tones. I am dying for a pair of elegant red heels, to match my predominent purple-and-red wardrobe and to dress up simple outfits. I want a pair of ballerina pumps with patent pink bows for that obnoxiously retro look. I glance lovingly at a pair of x:odus rubber thong heels, trying to decide if purple or white is my thing (Carrie Bradshaw donned a pair of white ones so I'm swaying that way).

In short, I can never have enough pairs of shoes.

But I feel vindicated after reading through Playing Footsie in today's The Sunday Times. I feel positively normal next to the interviewees.

One throws out her relations' shoes to make room for hers (I haven't reached that stage yet, I just squash all my mum's shoes into one drawer of our shoe wardrobe which has six drawers). Model-actress Lum May Yee has a pair of $1,000 Christian Dior boots which she has worn only twice and which she feels happy merely looking at (My leather boots are almost ten times cheaper than hers and I have worn them at most five times). And yet another scours the internet in search of more great finds (I don't do that, or rather, I can't cos my shoe size is considered abnormal for an adult bah).

See? In the face of such women, how could I but pale in comparison with them?

What will you remember 2003 for?

2003-12-31T00:27:00.000+08:00
In slightly less than 24 hours, the hour will strike and revellers would be celebrating the arrival of 2004. Another year would have passed and we would once again be facing a showdown with our reflections of 2003.

To prevent myself from getting all emotional and teary-eyed then, I have thus decided to do my reflections now. I want to be able to usher in 2004 with a considerably lighter heart (hopefully with the aid of some ice cold beer) and not with the stone that hung onto me for dear life during Christmas.

For one, 2003 will always be associated with SARS. In March, we learnt of this terrible illness that strikes at ease. Schools were shut, examinations postponed and people lived in the discomfort that they could be the next one to contract this respiratory illness. There were those who gave their lives to SARS in the name of duty and courage. And there were those who blatantly flouted the law and broke home quarantine. But despite the cover of fear that we lived in, Singaporeans soldiered on and we became the better for it.

2003 is also the year of the dead. So many talented luminaries passed on, leaving behind their glowing legacy. Most recently, we have cancer claiming the life of Anita Mui. But at least she did not go gently into the good night, she gave it her all and she fought it till the very end. On the other hand, Leslie Cheung would rather go to death in his own way and subsequently took his own life. Katherine Hepburn, too, gave in to death. So did the brilliant intellectual Edward Said. In all, not a very good year.

This year has also been the year of the war. USA attacked Iraq in the name of peace, killed both the Baath radicals and innocent civilians and tried to justify their Weapons of Mass Destruction claims. Finally, their patience (and desperation) bore fruit as the despot Saddam Hussein was captured. Meanwhile, Americans stood firmly behind their President (with the exception of staunch Democrats) as only Americans can. The repercussions of the invasion? Al Qaeda's wrath unfurled and there were many bombings and attacks worldwide, most recently the two attacks on the president of Pakistan.

Personally, it's not been a good year for myself. I went through a six-month internship and realised that what I thought I wanted to do is not what I want to do in future. Public relations holds no meaning in my life and I am not really excited by the prospect of it. I do regret my choice of major but well, there's only half a year to go so I might as well finish it. On a brighter note, another door unlocked itself and I am now entertaining the idea of teaching. Teaching children about the arts and drama sounds appealing, combining both my love for children and the humanities. On the other hand, writing as a career sounds right up my alley too.

2003 saw me leaving my comfort zone as part of a couple and becoming my own single self again. Although it was not without its pain, at least I can hold my head up high and say that I did my best to keep it going. As someone said, it was a case of bad timing but well, who's to say it was or it wasn't? Perhaps God. My only regret is that I was never strong enough to draw him out of his unemployed shell and encourage him to go on being the man that he was once. I let him push me further and further away until we both could not tolerate it anymore, did not know what it was that kept us together. If only I had been firmer, if only, if only. Life is so full of if onlys. Now as I walk on alone, I tell myself to be strong and even if my tears fall as I walk, at least I am walking. He will always be someone special and my Christmas/birthday wish is for him to find a job and become the man that he was before, the one that I had fallen in love with.

But even though I lost what I thought was the love of my life, at least I gained more in friendships. People who loved me and supported me, who listened to me, who let me cry and then tried to make me laugh - people like my bestest friends Min and Dawn etc. These are people who will still be walking with me no matter what happens in life and I promise that I will do my best to be the friend that they are to me.

And so ends another year. Cheers to 2004: May it be a beautiful year filled with hope, love and laughter.

So what will you remember 2003 for?

Ode to Aragorn

2003-12-27T02:16:00.000+08:00
Oh my darling Aragorn
The noblest of kings to be born
He's so strong, brave and manly
That I find myself loving him totally

Although he seems in need of a shower
He is still my heart's desire
Curly wurly may be his messy hair
Still better looking is he than Lego-less fair

O he is so manly and rugged
And definitely not at all a fagot
Whether wielding his sword or atop his horse
He shows everyone who's the boss

There seems to be no other
Who can ever be braver
In the face of danger
Instilling courage in those who waver

He knew he was to die challenging Sauron
No, this man is not a moron
But he ploughed on selflessly
Believing Frodo's cause was more important than he can be

And yet he is no male chauvinist pig
Though his devoted love Eowyn seeks
Kindly he rejects her affection
For Arwen Evenstar is his only passion

If ever were I to marry
It could only be he
For who could ever take his place
Aragorn Elessar, so full of grace

Christmas Blessings

2003-12-25T23:53:00.000+08:00
Christmas is supposed to be a time of love, peace and faith. And so, you can imagine how it was for me when I didn't feel any of the above. Somehow, the magic of Christmas did not reach to my soul and friends just can't seem to fill the emptiness that I felt within.

Thankfully, in times like these, I can always rely on the backbone of my life - my family. I took off for a couple of hours to spend Christmas with my mother, godmother, godsisters, aunts, uncles, cousins and two nephews whom I adore to death. And I mean it with all my heart when I say that when all else fails, one's family will still be there for you.

I went to my godmother's place with a weary and heavy heart. For the past few weeks and in the days leading to Christmas, I had felt old and laden with troubles. But once I got there, there was simply no room for gloominess - the house was filled with love, warmth and laughter. The darling of the family, two-year-old Dylan made everyone laugh with his antics. Six-year-old Markus and his motormouth rubbishing everything was ever so amusing. They are my cousins' children but in my family, we "share" the children. Hence, Dylan and Markus are not only their mothers' sons but also everyone's grandsons and everyone's nephews.

And so, the veil of dreariness was lifted and sunshine once again filled my heart. I am reminded again of how lucky I am to be born into such a wonderful and loving family. As a taxi driver told me once, families nowadays seldom feel the need to retain familial ties and it is indeed a blessing that my extended family enjoy our time together.

I hope that everyone had a Christmas as meaningful as mine and have faith in love, when all hope seems gone.

Merry Christmas.

The Return of The King & I

2003-12-21T16:28:00.000+08:00
No no, it's not the sequel of the famous show The King and I. It's more of a reference to the show I have been waiting for one whole year and my journey back to the Internet world.

Aragorn, the manly King!
Yes!!! I can't believe I have finally caught the last instalment of LOTR after so long. *sobs* Although I thought that the pace was a little too fast for my liking (it did feel as if director Peter Jackson was running out of time), it was nonetheless a fitting end to a trilogy that had woven itself into the audience's hearts and minds.

As usual, Lego-less was given the chance to do some acrobatics and flung himself here and there without disturbing a single light-coloured follicle on his head. Tsk tsk, as if. He did look very pretty though, at Aragorn's (ahhhhh!!!) coronation, with that little braid at his forehead. And at that moment, I would have given anything to be in Arwen's place.

Personally, I preferred Aragorn as the Ranger than King of Gondor. His hair style was rather weird during the last battle scene, kind of like he wanted to straighten it but changed his mind half way and then decided to tie some of it up. Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!

My wish for Christmas this year - a chance to watch the LOTR marathon! Failing which, a manly Aragorn would do nicely, thank you.

Up in freezing Genting
Yes, for the past week, I was up at the Mount Gloom, with my nose and ass threatening to drop off due to frostbite. It was freezing (to me) and even my chic trench coat did not manage to protect me from the bitter cold. At least I had the chance to wear it without looking like an idiot.

Anyway, I was up there helping Nelson with the 21st Century International Choral festival. We really worked our butts off, waking up before 7 and going to bed after 12 almost every night.

But it was a pretty interesting experience, working on the other side of the scene for once. And this event really opened up my eyes, it showed me that the Singapore choral scene has really developed rapidly and Chorale is the one that has been left behind. I can safely say that even NUS Choir and the Vocal Consort are miles ahead of us.

It really pains me to come to this conclusion that we have really not made much improvements while other choirs have improved in leaps and bounds. And what is worse is that there isn't an authoritative person/body in Chorale who can assess the situation and do something to solve the problem. Sometimes, I wonder what the executive committee is there for, it seems to me that they are now merely there to do logistic and administrative work. In that case, who is going to do the job of looking forward and preparing for Chorale to move on? Are they interested?

And then there is the politicking involved. I came up with an idea of having an Orientation Camp in January and am hence willing to organise it. But am I supposed to, since I am not in the exco (due to the fact that I will go crazy when stressed so beware *smirks*)? There will be some people who will think that I am trying to usurp their places, trying to go beyond the boundaries of my duties, trying to ingratiate my way into exco (duh).

So, should I or should I not?

Expired

2003-12-08T23:24:00.000+08:00
Sometimes, I really wonder if I have the energy to go out and do the whole socialising thing all over again. As I sit on my bed just thinking about getting to know new people and starting new friendships, I get a headache. In fact, I don't really want to think about it.

I know this is the wrong attitude but it got me thinking: Do human beings have an expiry date?

Sure, I am only 22 but it feels as if I am 22 going on 70. I feel as if I am way past my sell-by date and am going to be chucked into the bin sooner or later. What's worse is that I don't think I will really put up a fight if I really get trashed somewhere.

Why am I suddenly so tired? Is cynicism setting in? Or is it fear that's stopping me? Why has my confidence taken such a dive into the dark and murky depths?

As I walked through the streets today with my best friend, we both realised that of all the men we saw, we fancied none of them. We did not see a single man whom we felt we could or wanted to connect with, let alone lust after. We were just not interested. In short, as Carrie would say, there was no zsa zsa zsu.

But then again, Min explained that to connect with someone, you need to first want to connect with someone. Was I pulling myself back into a shell so that I could avoid doing the social round? Or could it be, as she pointed out, that I needed someone exceptional to draw me out of my vulnerable and reticient shadow? To her, I wouldn't and couldn't settle for anything lesser - I needed someone really special in order to get through my insecurities to truly get to me.

Maybe this is so.
Perhaps I just need to gather the least remaining shreds of self-belief and start anew.
And I could then fight my impending expiry date.

No oral sex please, we are Christians

2003-12-03T01:51:00.000+08:00
Well well well, it seems that after the big hooha over whether oral sex is legal in Singapore or not, the next big institution has decided to come up with their point of view. The Church.

Let me first point out that I am not against Christianity or any religion in general. I respect religious people and I respect their faiths and beliefs. But I do feel very strongly about people who overstep the boundaries of the private and public realm and preach about things which are baseless and inane.

In this article written by a presumably husband-and-wife team from Saint Andrew's Cathedral, the writers proclaim that oral sex is perverse. Their charge is that firstly, by indulging in oral sex, women are deprived of natural sex and hence, not allowed to have their pleasure. In addition, women dislike the taste of semen in their mouths but are forced to endure it because they are persuaded by the men.

What I would like to point out is that it seems that for most people, oral sex and sex are complementary, not mutually exclusive. For some, oral sex is considered foreplay. And then again, there is the matter of taste. Oral sex is like asparagus - some like it and some don't. It's too sweeping a statement to say that women do not like oral sex.

Another point that they made is that the use of our mouths is specifically for eating and not for perverse acts such as oral sex. Also, as homosexuals are deemed to perform oral sex, Christians would do well not to copy such acts.

I never expect to read such religious bigotry in this age and time. Sex is an intensely private and intimate matter between two people, it's not up to individuals to decide that they are in the capacity to preach about what's right and what's wrong. If two consenting adults, married or otherwise (but let's draw the line at adultery), are happy with whatever arrangements they have, then nobody should have the right to encroach into their private realm. There is a time and place to be religious and fervent, this is not it. Rather than frown over such trivial issues, the Church should do what they are supposed to do - go spread some love. Feed the orphans. Talk to the Muslims/Buddhists/Hindus/etc about religious co-existence. Campaign for AIDS patients in the Third World countries to have access to cheaper medication. Reach out to disabled people. Oral sex simply pales in comparison to the more urgent issues that dog the world now.

Disclaimer: I am not against religion. I believe in, and respect, all religions that exist in this world. I am definitely not an Atheist. Amen.

What Colour are YOU?

2003-11-26T13:23:00.000+08:00
Well well well, maybe the reporters are right, I AM boring afterall. *smirks*

Green

You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature.

Find out your color at Quiz Me!

Do not stereotype SCGS girls

2003-11-24T11:31:00.000+08:00
To say that I am furious is an understatement.
I am livid.
And totally annoyed that our local broadsheet is actually stirring up a storm (a very pointless storm, I might add) that is way past its expiry date.

If you took a read at our national paper this morning, you would undoubtedly have read an article entitled Which schools do you think these students come from?. In it, the reporters tried to confirm if the stereotypes about certain schools and the students that they produce are true. And this is following the flurry of comments from readers about a columnist's insistence, last Sunday, that she would never send her daughters to her alma mater because the girls from that school are too confident and hence, unmarriageable. In that particular column, she also mentioned that girls from Singapore Chinese Girls School have been known to trade up in marriages but only if you belong to the upper tier of society. If you don't, then tough luck, you can't marry up.

In today's articles, the reporters harped on the notion that SCGS girls want to be tai-tais and are known to be boring. Bullshit, I say. Ask around my friends and they will tell you that I am anything but boring and inane. And to add insult to injury, the article mentioned about our school's infamous uniform. Well, I happen to like it. It's cooling and the school does teach us about proper grooming such as shaving, you know.

I am annoyed that these reporters chose to portray my school as a bimbo school. I could tell them a thing or two, given that they probably were never privileged enough to experience life there. Without my school, I would never have had a chance to studying there because they paid for my school fees throughout the four years I was there. Not only that, I also received free, brand new text books every year.

Why did they not talk about how artistically inclined the girls are, given that we were always exposed to a variety of arts, from Russian dance troupes to Australian theatre performances to the Singapore Symphony Orchestra? How about the fact that we were taught every sport under the sun, be it hockey or touch rugby? That we had so much fun even if we ended up with bruises on our legs? Or the fact that we were encouraged to take a mixture of Science and Arts subjects so that we can be balanced beings with knowledge? That we were all made to take Literature and the school will never drop the subject so that our ranking will go up?

I don't understand what the big brouhaha is about independent single sex schools and the students they produced. Why doesn't anyone talk about co-ed schools? Or, why bother even comparing? I suppose it's meant to be tongue-in-cheek as a friend says but hey, the subject is rubbish to begin with.

Please, the papers are full of advertisements as it is. Save your newshole for more worthy subjects than comparing which students from which schools are more marriageable.

SCGS has made me "grow nearer the sky" and I am all the better for it. I am proud to be from the school of Emerald Hill.

ONE DAY MORE!!!

2003-11-20T00:06:00.000+08:00
As the day draws nearer and nearer, I am getting more and more desperate.
One more day to the end of my misery, one more day to the day I have been waiting for for the past six months and one more day to the end of boring and bland routines.

The end of Professional Internship.

It's amazing how hypocritical people can get in this world. You see, my company is divided into teams. Different teams work on different accounts in different sectors and industries. My team deals with technology clients and I work closely with three of them in the team.

A few weeks back, one of my colleagues, whom I have great rapport with and great respect for, came up to me and asked me if I were free on my last week with the company as she (let's call her S) and a couple other colleagues wanted to take us out for dinner.

The thing is, S is from the consumer side. I only met and worked with her starting September, following the merger. She tries her best not to call for my help and as such, my work dealings with her is pretty limited. But here she is, arranging for a farewell dinner for us, the interns, even though she's only known us for a very short period of time. My own team members did not even make a peep about us leaving the company, but blatantly piled on more ridiculous work such as printing, scanning and RSVP-ing. It's almost as if they are thinking, We can't let them sit there and do nothing on their last week there! More work for them! There is this ONE big b**ch, C, who is on my team (very sadly) who is such a faker. She likes to insinuate that we interns have nothing much to do and dumps us with crappy work.

So anyway, my co-student and I were rather touched by S and her thoughtfulness. We decided to get going-away presents for the company (yes, I blew an amazing $90, I am eating air for the rest of the month) and went round distributing them today since the CEO and several others won't be around on our last day.

My team members got pretty embarrassed and were rather red-faced, making comments like, Oh you shouldn't! It should be us getting you gifts! and we were thinking, Yeah, whatever. And the last I heard, S was going around planning a farewell lunch for us on Friday, after we presented her with her gift (the cheapest at $2.90).

I would much rather go out with S and the others than with C and the trio of big fakers. I think she knew that she had the shortest end of the stick because she went around asking people what they had received from us and it was clear that hers was tiny compared to the rest. People like S whom I did not work closely with in our day-to-day routine had much nicer gifts than hers. Hah.

Anyway, it seems that many of our colleagues are envious of us leaving the company and wished they were doing the same. When asked why we were giving out gifts, I glibly replied that since we were the ones leaving and they weren't, we decided to spread some cheer. I was given a grumpy reply that I was hitting way below the belt. LOL.

I am dateable and un-telligent!

2003-11-19T23:35:00.000+08:00
Just went to The Spark and took a few crappy tests. One is the Un-telligent Test and the other is the Are You Date-able test.

Pretty zany but hey, go try!

My results are as follows:
For the record, you are: 63% Un-telligent!
which is normal since the current average is 60%. Your evaluation is unique, however, so keep reading.

Here is the custom report of your personality that led our team of geeks to conclude (with confidence) that you are moderate but excitingly different:

"The subject shows a very high level of intelligence, and her sense of observation is one of her best qualities. Considering this, she shows a lot of potential, but that's only part of the equation.

"Also, as much as we hate violence, an occasional mauling is one way to solve day-to-day problems like unpleasant coworkers or pesky door-to-door salesmen; she just isn't tough enough, sir, and she avoids any solution that involves violence.

"Finally, the subject displayed a healthy (better than most net freaks anyway) sense of humor, a fair and productive sense of morality, and a barbaric self-confidence. The balance of these three traits is important; high levels of confidence, medium levels of morality, and a good level of humor make for the strongest individuals."

And then.....
Damn, J-Lo! You are...73% dateable! Attractive and confident, witty and charming, a healthy ambrosia-based diet... you're wanted in the 48 contiguous states, you slayer. Call me. Seduce me. Make me a man (or woman.) Not only do you know how to turn a guy's (or girl's) engines on, but you also know how to oil, lube and rotate it. You put the "elation" back into "relationship," and the "night" back into "one-night stand."

Money - the universal language

2003-11-11T23:03:00.000+08:00
As Abba was smart enough to realise, money is what you would need to play in this rich man's world.

Well, lest I get chided for being materialistic, greedy and coldhearted (sniff), let me explain myself.

Hey, I do believe in the greater values of love, freedom, happiness and peace. I place my faith in that I would be a better person should I possess all these values and more.

But really, can freedom let me go to Choir Olympics 2004 in Bremen with my choir?

I don't think so. I hardly have the pennies to go Bintan/KL with my friends (not that they really asked me to, but who's counting), let alone travel in Europe for a couple of weeks (alright, it's more like four weeks) in July next year, after I graduate from university.

You see, I have always had this fascination with Europe, fuelled by my first trip to Pohlheim, Germany back in 1999 with VJChoir. The picture perfect rows of houses, the spaciousness, the wondrous cool weather and getting my hands warmed, and singing at a town square amongst flying pigeons. And my desire to go back has not lessen in the least by the passing of time.

But I have just realised that for four miserable nights' stay in Bremen (that's in Germany), I have to cough up almost SGD400. And that's for a standard twin room. You might as well ask me to cough up blood, that would be immensely easier. Multiply that by five (for 20 days' worth of accommodation), it will be almost SGD2,000. Add in air tickets (another SGD1,500+++++++) and food and transport and we can see where we are heading towards.

Bankruptcy.

And that's even before I step into the corporate world. Hell of a start.

Well, since I do not belong to that kind of family where I can simply stick my hands out, tell Mummy and Daddy dearest that I wanna go on holiday!!!! and get the money, I'll have to think of ways and means to finance my dream tour of the great European cities. Or not go at all.

In the meantime, if you would like to donate to my cause, feel free to let me know. Otherwise, if you do "see" certain numbers in your dreams, tell me about it and make me a rich millionaire.

Are Singaporeans an unforgiving lot?

2003-11-10T23:38:00.000+08:00
This afternoon I finally dragged my wearied body to visit the good 'ol doc (and thereby getting a shock as I saw a whole tribe of Indians but that's another story).

At the traffic junction, I waited together with a middle-aged mother and her two small children, who looked like they were not more than ten years of age. As we stood there, I overheard the irate mother rebuking her son, "You forgot to put the 's' in 90 cents and your teacher took one mark away from you. It's not half a mark but one full mark, okay. That's 39 out of 40. One full mark for forgetting the 's' in 90 cents."

As the son tried to defend himself by saying he forgot and will remember it for all his life, the mother cut him off and repeated the same mantra, "You forgot the 's' in 90 cents and your teacher deducted one mark from you. One full mark, you know, not even half a mark. That's why you have 39 out of 40. It was one full mark, not half a mark."

Thankfully, for me, the traffic lights turned and I tried to walk away as quickly as possible. But behind me, I could still hear her verbal tirade, expressing annoyance at her son's carelessness at forgetting the 's' in 90 cents.

For God's sake, it was just a small mistake, need the mother run down her son so badly? That poor boy had gotten 39 out of 40, which is a really good grade. Wasn't it enough to just tell him he ought not to be so careless in future and teach him why you need the 's' in 90 centS?

And now we know why this society is so unforgiving of mistakes. As Confucius believes, everything starts with the building block called family. If within the family, such abhorrent attitude exists, it is of no surprise that this attitude extends beyond the parameters of the family and reaches to the society. If we cannot even forgive such minute mistakes, how can the individual grow to be creative? How will the individual dare to be different and learn that the tried and tested route might not be the best way after all? Will the individual learn from past mistakes and go on to cultivate more innovative ideas if every little error he makes is slapped into his face at every opportunity?

I find such parents narrow-sighted and pathetic. A Picasso or Shakespeare might be stifled because of such rigid and unforgiving attitude.

Oh yeah, back to my story - I had a shock when I reached the clinic, thinking that I had to wait forever to get to my turn because of the tribe. Thankfully, the whole clan was there only for one person - a toddler. I didn't have to wait very long after all.